The following was my guest conTEXTual on the very very funny site, Winkwinkwink. Here’s the background to the death letter, in the words of the deceased:

Met on Match when I was dating a few other guys. We went out for Korean food, laughed for hours. Had another date, laughed some more. I knew it wasn’t going to be more than a short-term relationship in the beginning, but after a few Sunday afternoon motorcycle rides and road trips, I didn’t care. I was having fun. He introduced me to his friends. He would cancel weekend plans to hang out with me. His mom even knew my name and asked him about me in her daily emails. And this was only one month in. I started to like him, a lot, and only thought about him when I was dating this other Caribbean dude who was kind of perfect. Not even Mr. Perfect could stop me thinking about my funny Frenchman, so I broke up with Mr. Perfect and began dating just the Frenchman. I began to – you know – really like him. Then came the Death Letter (LITD analysis in blue):

Hej ZoZo ;)

Thanks a lot for that email, I don’t have much time to reply right now.

Wow – right off the bat going on the offensive. Might as well read, “I’m not going to even attempt to not be a dick.”

I also really enjoyed all those moments with you, I wouldn’t have enjoyed them if you weren’t there with me ;)

Trying to buffer things with a positive, but this has got to be one of the most pathetic sentences in the history of all mankind, sprinkled with a corny emoticon (though I have a feeling he’s referring to something sexual…)

I’m sorry I heart you that way, we started our “relationship” on a strange conscenssus.

Damn that’s heartless. He just put everything you guys shared into parentheses, which means that it wasn’t real. This guy has the gloves off.

I did that more for you than for me so you don’t start building to much your life around us.

Translation: I tried to keep you from being too clingy, but it didn’t work.

Carrying for one person is really different than being blindly in love for someone. I don’t want to to get blind and wake up one day at the edge of a cliff.

Really confusing. Is he saying that he is “scared of love,” a dirty old trick in the male break up bag? The best part of this sentence is we get to envision him on the edge of a cliff, then pushing him off (optional: take a leak on his mangled corpse.)

I guess you understood on my side I have been blind in the past and I’m now scared of the dark …;o)

Ok, taking a leak on mangled corpse no longer optional.

I still really care for you and would like to share more time with you.

ie. When I want to have sex, I would like to call you and be available. Nice try pal.

Surfing with [friend] and kitting in newport this afternoon dont hesitate.

Knitting in Newport? My life savings that he’s a lousy surfer. [Zoë says: He is.]

I really don’t want you to disappear from my life….

Studies prove that people who ends things with “…” are sociopathic.

Biz

WTF is “biz”? [Zoë says: "Biz" is slang for "Bises," which means "Kisses" in French and is a common closing line]

Francois

Perfect name. It’s like a German guy named Fritz.

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