Love in the Dumps » weddings

Grading the vows: Salemme, Walker

Love in the Dumps — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 13:54:56 +0000

Analysis: remember the mean frat guys and the women who loved them in Revenge of the Nerds? Animal House? Can’t Buy Me Love? Perhaps you think these people exist only in the movies. Then you stumble over the thread spun by Mark and Elisabeth, whose courtship you can also see in a five page spread in Bucknell’s money-begging alumi glossy.

Troubling questions: their love grew from the fecund soil of an Alpha Delta theme party – sticky floors, deafening music, entitled debauchery – and one could argue the union is strong since it flourished despite these odds. However, the high likelihood that one or both barfed on the other the night they met/hooked up makes us believe they are standing on shaky ground.

What their kids will look like: Johnny from the original Karate Kid.

Point summery (points work against you):
Lookalike factor: +200
Ivy cred: 0
Cum laude crap: +15
Getting married too young: +10
Double Jersey bonus: +11
Likeability: +8
Mother predicting wedding, like in an episode of Maybery RFD: +5
Whining about too much homework: +16
“Vows” writer running out of steam because of story lameness: +4

Who will wear the pants: Mark and his mom. A mother/son unified front is always extremely powerful.

How long will it last: 5 years. Sorry kids – this fratty fantasy is a wash (had they met in Comp Lit it would be a different story.)

Final grade: D+

Grading the Vows: Conrad, Ferrell

Denny DelVecchio — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 12:08:10 +0000

We’re in the middle of wedding season, and with the NY Times Vows section busting at seams with newlyweds, LITD enlisted friend and substitute teacher Denny DelVecchio of Your New Bad Habit to help grade a few. As we know, sub teachers are always lenient to bad students, and Denny is no exception – enjoy it while you can, miscreants. – .ed

Who’s that knocking on Denny’s door at the unholy hour of 11:45 am?

Oh, Denny Dance almost forgot that he owed Love in the Dumps a column this week. Fine. Let me slip into something a little less snug and fishnetty and I’ll get right to it.

There, that’s better.

As a man who once foolishly took a shallow but bitter pull from matrimony’s joyless decanter , I feel uniquely qualified to serve as judge, jury and sexecutioner when it comes to the oft-doomed nuptials of others.

And this week’s installment has a little bit of everything. So slip into the wedding dress your mother bought for you last year at Filene’s Basement “because it was a fabulous goddamn deal, I mean what ungrateful little brat turns her nose up at a $79 wedding dress that her own mother wrestled away from a stinky old Robitussin-swilling hag from Queens just so her only daughter can look like a princess if she can ever trick someone into loving her long enough to put a ring on her finger” and party along with Denny.

Welcome to love’s sloppy embrace, Lucas and Louise. Hopefully you appreciate Denny’s recent wedding gift of free divorce/dissolution counsel, courtesy of Jacob S. Maroni, Esq. (Think of it as passion’s little insurance policy.)

Oh Dear Lord, where do I take my first savage bite out of these delightful oddballs?

The bastard lovebaby of Andy Samberg and Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, Farrell is an accomplished wordsmith, with a preternatural ability to take a formerly optimistic, well-adjusted reader and transport them into the type of bleak emotional abyss enjoyed only by unfortunate souls who have been on the business end of a meandering, self-indulgent Dave Matthews jam session. Christ, I’ve seen deeper cultural truths in a book of Mad-Libs. Or maybe even in this morose, ass-wipe worthy joke of a rag.

His dearest Louisa, who herself appears to have sprung from the fertile loins of Karen Allen and Bridget Fonda is, like Denny, an artist of some import. And, as fate would have it, a current classmate of mine.

According to the announcement, the bride is keeping her name. Denny wholeheartedly concurs. Louisa is a lovely name.

How about the in-laws?

The newest Mrs. Farrell’s elegant mother is now President of the prestigious “Bedford 2020 Coalition.” Unfortunately, nobody has broken it to Mrs. C that the world is going to meet a harrowing, premature end sometime in 2012.

She is married to a man named Winthrop B. Conrad, Jr. Denny’s not saying anything about him because I learned long ago you simply don’t fuck with people with names like Winthrop B. Conrad, Jr. Tom Cruise found that out the hard way.

Homeboy’s moms and pops are a nurse and school director, respectively. If you can make something funny and/or interesting out of that, drop Denny a page.

Denny’s Final Verdict:

Although I so badly wanted to sentence these two to an awkward, sexless honeymoon in Vermont, followed by 18 months of Wedded Hades trying to “out pretentious” each other, I have come to the conclusion that they’re potentially fairly dope youngsters who are likely going to have a long and sweet life together tending to the goats by day and yielding to passion’s sweet fruits by night.

FINAL GRADE: D, for Denny Approved!

A hearty DelVecchian congratulations to Lu-Lou and all of their myriad beasts of the field.

Engorged With Love,

Denny DelVecchio

Grading the Vows: Dayani, Traugott

Love in the Dumps — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 12:54:53 +0000

Analysis: she spent three years and $150k of her parent’s dough to get a fancy law degree only to defect to the glamorous world of high fashion. One gets the feeling that she smashed up her dad’s BMW back in the day, and basically got away with murder in the great Southern California JAP tradition (be advised, the spoiled west coast princess syndrome is by no means just a Jewish thing). As her friends remarked, she needs “an older guy” who “won’t put up with her shit”. Enter Mr. Traugott, president of an entertainment company’s television division. 17 years her senior, Peter reinforces the adage that if you become an entertainment executive, you will score hot, young ass (the adage’s words, not mine).

Troubling questions: the announcement says nothing about previous marriage, so we’re to assume that at 45, he’s never been married; in the LITD dictionary, this spells relationship retard. Her extreme bangs and his big forehead clash like a Rachel Zoe dress and Vineyard Vines slacks.

What their kids will look like: pretty damn good! She’s got nice skin and they both have exemplary teeth.

Grades: compatibility: D teacher’s comments: putting aside the fact that he works in television, he seems more intellectual than she (maybe it’s just the glasses.) This could wear on the Havard MBA’d Peter, who will eventually yearn for a little east coast-style mind sex Longevity: B- teacher’s comments: since he’s mid 40 they’ll probably have kids very soon, which should skirt any emerging differences between the couple (at least for awhile). Likeability: C

GRADE: C
POINTS OFF: they got married in Simi Valley. Yes, that valley. minus five.
FINAL GRADE: C-

Grading the Vows presents…Who Wears the Pants?

Love in the Dumps — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 12:00:38 +0000

Introducing a new class in the Grading the Vows university system, Who Wears the Pants, in which we determine which newlywed will own the marriage down the line. Sign up now, space is limited. Thanks to Liz H. for the idea.

WHY HE'LL WEAR THE PANTS: with all their cards on the table, his magna-Princeton/Harvard MBA beats her cum-Yale/UPenn MBA. This is just enough to tilt the scales in his favor, and Manning will forever stand in his shadow, regretful that she didn't study harder.

WHY SHE'LL WEAR THE PANTS: he is a math professor, too buried in numbers and figures to be bothered with taking control of the marriage. As long as his favorite coffee-stained mug is close by, he'll defer to her.

WHY SHE'LL WEAR THE PANTS: she's a lawyer, and enjoys putting him in "happy" headlocks, as evidenced by their photo (she also gives him weggies.)

WHY SHE'LL WEAR THE PANTS: despite his baby face, Espinel is twelve years older than Davolos, 26, setting up a husband-as-father-figure dynamic that puts him firmly in charge.

Video in the Dumps: Justin Long & Mike White Get Gay Married

Love in the Dumps — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 17:31:44 +0000

This is funniest thing you’ll see all year, and is in support of a defining issue of our time. Fan page here. (Thanks to Colleen)

Devin & Glenn – watch more funny videos

Grading the vows lookalike contest

Love in the Dumps — Mon, 10 May 2010 12:11:59 +0000

They say we marry either people who remind us of our parents, or, in a nifty narcissistic twist, people who resemble us psychically. Something uncanny happened yesterday in the New York Times wedding announcements - amazingly, every single couple looked exactly like each other. This is a remarkable feat, on par with the coyote found in Central Park, and should keep relationshipologists busy for the next millennium. Since LITD is your trusted Monday morning quarterback for the wedding announcements, we decided to see how these lookalikes fare when they go head-to-head, so to speak. Kick off!

Psaki/Mecher – exact same smile, nose, eyes and hair. Straight flush is pretty hard to beat. The leafy setting behind them indicates a mutual background of privilege and wealth- we can only assume their blood is now one deep shade of dark blue.
Clark/Woody – same smile, eyes and hair but different noses. She looks taller than he is. Bonus points for a similar “nice-but-cool person” countenance that each seems to possess.
Winner: Psaki/Mecher. They could have come directly out of an old Archie comic, bless their hearts.

Cannon/Fredericks – same smile, nose, eyes, hair and, for 20 bonus points, the same right eye that goes slightly down. Same Upper East Sideiness, and these two are a nearly identitcle.
Stein/Goodman - same small smile, same eyes, same finance/stockbroker no-nonsenseness, same hairdresser (perhaps).
Winner: Cannon/Fredericks. Investigation is under way to determine if these two are in fact related; if so, they face a year in Fulsom Prison.

Coyne/Coyle – same overbites, hair and nose. Different tooth-to-gum ratios and eyes make Coyne and Coyle weak contenders, but their nearly identical last names more than make up for it.
Mitchell/Goldman – same smile, same eyes, same hair, same feisty Jewishness. Points off for extreme hair contrast – she blow dries, he gels.
Winner: Tie. This one’s too tough to call folks. Sorry.

Chin/Howe – the extremely rare case where the couple shares the same body. Also, same head shape. Bonus points for same oddball sensibilities; points off for alpha-Asian-drags-around-aimless-Caucasian pin shot.
Karnes/Strickland - same exact smile, same head shape, very different nose. Same New England earnestness and air of Ivy League education.
Winner: Chin/Howe. The way their differences feed into their similarities is one of a kind and extremely powerful.

OVERALL WINNER: YOU MAKE THE CALL! Vote in the comments!! Don’t be shy.

Grading the vows: Ku + Rubin

Love in the Dumps — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 12:00:39 +0000

Highlights: love has eluded this Boston Appeals Court Judge, known to be stern-yet-fair on the bench, mainly because he’s been working so hard all his life. Think he could have achieved so much with the distraction of romance? No! Now he’s ready, and what a fine rose he’s plucked this spring.

Troubling questions: since she’s (very likely) not Jewish, and the religion goes through the woman, their kids will be relegated to the dreaded half-Jew status. Also, the Woody Allen syndrome is running strong in this one – ie. older Jewish guy marrying an Asian woman half his age. Since they’re both lawyers, their union represents the creation of a powerful Super Lawyer, which, like those giant evil robots in old sci-fi movies, can take over civilization if not controlled.

What their kids will look like: gorgeous. From her they’ll inherit perfect skin and kind disposition; from him they’ll get a stocky-athletic frame and good ol American ambition.

Grades: Compatibility: C-; Longevity: A-; Likability: B-. Final grade: C+

Bonus points: +20 if Judge Rubin doesn’t sue me for this post.

Grading the Vows: Grossman, Baron

Matt Brand — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 12:55:50 +0000

A new feature in which we grade a wedding announcement from the Sunday NY Times vows section.

Highlights: nice, genuine, down-to-earth creative media hipster types somehow find each other in Los Angeles, of all places.

Troubling questions: why did it take him till 39 to get married? Signs point to commitment issues. What is the daughter of Cambridge intellectuals doing in reality television? This indicates stifled potential and possible regret in the future.

What their kids will look like: his head is exceptionally long, while hers is quite oval. Optimistically, their off-spring will combine elements of both and have the most perfectly shaped heads, ever.

Grades: Compatibility: B+; Longevity: B-; Likability: B. Final grade: B

Bonus points: +10 for waiting until their 30s to get married.

Dumpcast: Dr. “G” and Dr. “S”

Jess Vogel — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 15:00:43 +0000

Conditions: Both Jewish, both doctors, both Ivy Leaguers, these two combined to form a Jewish parent’s dream team, the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since Jordan and Magic went to the Olympics. It’s a match made in heaven, but sometimes there’s a crook in the Ivy road to multiple PHDs.

Storm Warnings: Lately, at the dinner table, conversation flat-lines when the Doctors run out of medical things to discuss. As verbal defibrillator, Dr. S tried playing “Scene It!” with her during dessert, but she lost interest after the first three.

Dump Cast: Continuing the Dream Team analogy, the perfect pair will be an unstoppable force in the beginning and win the gold easily. Soon after they will coast on their talent – the chemistry will slip, and they’ll be left thinking, “How can this happen? We’re so good on paper!” At this point they’ll go back to their Rabbi – the equivalent of Coach K – who will get them back on track to their winning ways. They’ll repeat this patten for life.

Chance of Rain: 30%

Breaking News: heartbreak at Ranger’s game

Matt Brand — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 04:55:39 +0000

A man proposed to his girlfriend at the Valentine’s Day Rangers hockey game and was rejected on the JumboTron. Anything captured on the JumboTron is dramatic, but a rejected proposal on Valentine’s day is noting short of epic.

Update/video: Huff post.

Love in the Dumps » weddings

Grading the vows: Salemme, Walker

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

Grading the Vows: Conrad, Ferrell

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

Grading the Vows: Dayani, Traugott

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

Grading the Vows presents…Who Wears the Pants?

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

Video in the Dumps: Justin Long & Mike White Get Gay Married

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

Grading the vows lookalike contest

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

Grading the vows: Ku + Rubin

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

Grading the Vows: Grossman, Baron

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

Dumpcast: Dr. “G” and Dr. “S”

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

Breaking News: heartbreak at Ranger’s game

But Wait! There’s More Like This: