Posts tagged weddings
Grading the Vows: Conrad, Ferrell
We’re in the middle of wedding season, and with the NY Times Vows section busting at seams with newlyweds, LITD enlisted friend and substitute teacher Denny DelVecchio of Your New Bad Habit to help grade a few. As we know, sub teachers are always lenient to bad students, and Denny is no exception – enjoy it while you can, miscreants. – .ed
Who’s that knocking on Denny’s door at the unholy hour of 11:45 am?
Oh, Denny Dance almost forgot that he owed Love in the Dumps a column this week. Fine. Let me slip into something a little less snug and fishnetty and I’ll get right to it.
There, that’s better.
As a man who once foolishly took a shallow but bitter pull from matrimony’s joyless decanter , I feel uniquely qualified to serve as judge, jury and sexecutioner when it comes to the oft-doomed nuptials of others.
And this week’s installment has a little bit of everything. So slip into the wedding dress your mother…
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Grading the Vows: Dayani, Traugott
Analysis: she spent three years and $150k of her parent’s dough to get a fancy law degree only to defect to the glamorous world of high fashion. One gets the feeling that she smashed up her dad’s BMW back in the day, and basically got away with murder in the great Southern California JAP tradition (be advised, the spoiled west coast princess syndrome is by no means just a Jewish thing). As her friends remarked, she needs “an older guy” who “won’t put up with her shit”. Enter Mr. Traugott, president of an entertainment company’s television division. 17 years her senior, Peter reinforces the adage that if you become an entertainment executive, you will score hot, young ass (the adage’s words, not mine).
Troubling questions: the announcement says nothing about previous marriage, so we’re to assume that at 45, he’s never been married; in the LITD dictionary, this spells relationship retard. Her extreme bangs and his big forehead clash like a Rachel Zoe dress and Vineyard Vines slacks.
What their kids will look…
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Grading the Vows presents…Who Wears the Pants?
Introducing a new class in the Grading the Vows university system, Who Wears the Pants, in which we determine which newlywed will own the marriage down the line. Sign up now, space is limited. Thanks to Liz H. for the idea.
WHY HE'LL WEAR THE PANTS: with all their cards on the table, his magna-Princeton/Harvard MBA beats her cum-Yale/UPenn MBA. This is just enough to tilt the scales in his favor, and Manning will forever stand in his shadow, regretful that she didn't study harder.
WHY SHE'LL WEAR THE PANTS: he is a math professor, too buried in numbers and figures to be bothered with taking control of the marriage. As long as his favorite coffee-stained mug is close by, he'll defer to her.
WHY SHE'LL WEAR THE PANTS: she's a lawyer, and enjoys putting him in "happy" headlocks, as evidenced by their photo (she also gives him weggies.)
WHY SHE'LL WEAR THE PANTS: despite
Video in the Dumps: Justin Long & Mike White Get Gay Married
This is funniest thing you’ll see all year, and is in support of a defining issue of our time. Fan page here. (Thanks to Colleen)
Grading the vows lookalike contest
They say we marry either people who remind us of our parents, or, in a nifty narcissistic twist, people who resemble us psychically. Something uncanny happened yesterday in the New York Times wedding announcements - amazingly, every single couple looked exactly like each other. This is a remarkable feat, on par with the coyote found in Central Park, and should keep relationshipologists busy for the next millennium. Since LITD is your trusted Monday morning quarterback for the wedding announcements, we decided to see how these lookalikes fare when they go head-to-head, so to speak. Kick off!
Psaki/Mecher – exact same smile, nose, eyes and hair. Straight flush is pretty hard to beat. The leafy setting behind them indicates a mutual background of privilege and wealth- we can only assume their blood is now one deep shade of dark blue.
Clark/Woody – same smile, eyes and hair but different noses. She looks taller than he is. Bonus points for a similar “nice-but-cool person” countenance that each seems to possess.
Winner:…
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Grading the vows: Ku + Rubin
Highlights: love has eluded this Boston Appeals Court Judge, known to be stern-yet-fair on the bench, mainly because he’s been working so hard all his life. Think he could have achieved so much with the distraction of romance? No! Now he’s ready, and what a fine rose he’s plucked this spring.
Troubling questions: since she’s (very likely) not Jewish, and the religion goes through the woman, their kids will be relegated to the dreaded half-Jew status. Also, the Woody Allen syndrome is running strong in this one – ie. older Jewish guy marrying an Asian woman half his age. Since they’re both lawyers, their union represents the creation of a powerful Super Lawyer, which, like those giant evil robots in old sci-fi movies, can take over civilization if not controlled.
What their kids will look like: gorgeous. From her they’ll inherit perfect skin and kind disposition; from him they’ll get a stocky-athletic frame and good ol American ambition.
Grades: Compatibility: C-; Longevity: A-; Likability: B-. Final grade: C+
Bonus points: +20 if…
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Grading the Vows: Grossman, Baron
A new feature in which we grade a wedding announcement from the Sunday NY Times vows section.
Highlights: nice, genuine, down-to-earth creative media hipster types somehow find each other in Los Angeles, of all places.
Troubling questions: why did it take him till 39 to get married? Signs point to commitment issues. What is the daughter of Cambridge intellectuals doing in reality television? This indicates stifled potential and possible regret in the future.
What their kids will look like: his head is exceptionally long, while hers is quite oval. Optimistically, their off-spring will combine elements of both and have the most perfectly shaped heads, ever.
Grades: Compatibility: B+; Longevity: B-; Likability: B. Final grade: B
Bonus points: +10 for waiting until their 30s to get married.
Dumpcast: Dr. “G” and Dr. “S”
Conditions: Both Jewish, both doctors, both Ivy Leaguers, these two combined to form a Jewish parent’s dream team, the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since Jordan and Magic went to the Olympics. It’s a match made in heaven, but sometimes there’s a crook in the Ivy road to multiple PHDs.
Storm Warnings: Lately, at the dinner table, conversation flat-lines when the Doctors run out of medical things to discuss. As verbal defibrillator, Dr. S tried playing “Scene It!” with her during dessert, but she lost interest after the first three.
Dump Cast: Continuing the Dream Team analogy, the perfect pair will be an unstoppable force in the beginning and win the gold easily. Soon after they will coast on their talent – the chemistry will slip, and they’ll be left thinking, “How can this happen? We’re so good on paper!” At this point they’ll go back to their Rabbi – the equivalent of Coach K – who will get them back on track to their winning ways. They’ll repeat this patten for life.…
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Breaking News: heartbreak at Ranger’s game
A man proposed to his girlfriend at the Valentine’s Day Rangers hockey game and was rejected on the JumboTron. Anything captured on the JumboTron is dramatic, but a rejected proposal on Valentine’s day is noting short of epic.
Update/video: Huff post.
Wedding Annoucement: Stephen Bard, Married to Self
Btephen Bard, first man to be married to himself
Steven Bard was married to himself on Saturday evening in his room in Staatburg, CA. He was the sixth to take advantage of the new California law allowing individuals to marry themselves. The ceremony, which took place over the internet, was conducted by Rev. Malcom Pritchett.
The groom, who had been single for 33 years, determined that no one better shared his passion for horror movies, mountain biking and x rated Japanese graphic novels than he. Also, marrying himself was a good way to get his mother off his back.
In a written statement on the electronic self-marriage form, the groom said: “Every girl I met was missing something yet I had no idea what that something was, making it impossible to find the perfect girl. This way, I can do no wrong – I’m not settling and not lonely. It’s a win – win.”
The groom is director of sales at Reflections, Inc, a high-end mirror and looking glass company in San Pedro, CA.
