Who They Are:

Identifying Traits: wears her heart on her sleeve and is the epitome of all hopeless romantics.  She has wracked-up a string of relationships that rarely make it past one-month in duration.  The Boyfriender loves monogamy, introducing him to her friends too soon, and upon “break-up”, may easily cry when listening to the latest Ray LaMontagne love song. Constantly telling her friends, “this just feels different” and “we’re really close already”. When friends point to her past as a note of caution, she gets mad at them.

Why They’re Single: always a victim of the “too much, too soon” phenomenon which blows-up in her pretty little face every time. This generally only works for celebrity couples (read: Ashton & Demi, George & Elisabeta).Boyfrienders are great at meeting men who are conditional, meaning they either a) live far away; b) are only in town for a month; c) have just come out of a relationship or marriage; d) are your ex’s best friend or your best friend’s ex.

Advantages: instant girlfriend with that annoying “getting to know you” period;  gives it up quick; generally sweet, well-meaning and instantly makes you feel good about yourself.; is the girl that your mother wants you to marry; nurturing, loving, and wants to please (read: terrific in bed.)

Disadvantages: after suffering multiple disappointments, her busted-up, bruised heart can lose its idealism and give way to bitterness ; feels clingy after date #3; overlooks major flaws/roadblocks in her relationships in order to fulfill her quest for true love.

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

• Types of dysfunctional daters: the Pet Proxy
• 10 ways a girl knows her love life is boring as all hell
• Abstinence, sex marathons and cigarettes: the strangely awesome world of Arabian dating
• What to expect if you date: a Virgo
• A watched pot eventually boils

Ramadan Kareem! As many of you know, the holiest month of the Islamic calendar has arrived, and what better time than now for me to do some Arab-bashing?

Before you disapprove me with your political correctness, let me clarify that I do in fact love Arab men. I live in the Middle East, and I eat, play, date and fuck among Arab circles. With great pleasure, too, may I add.

But maybe because it’s Ramadan (a month I automatically dislike because it calls on Muslims to abstain from sex!), or maybe it’s just me. When entering a relationship with an Arab man — especially a Muslim one — a word of caution is warranted.

Sure, many of them are hot, great in bed and treat women like gold, but they can also be rather schizophrenic as lovers. Here are some observations from personal experience:

1.) Hot and Cold Affection

One minute, you are an Arabian princess. He drives you around, calls you his girlfriend in front of his friends. Buys you presents and pays for all the meals. When you are together, he bares his soul to you — doing things that only seriously committed guys do — such as going down on you four times within one hour, asking nothing in return.

Next minute, he doesn’t even text you back. He makes vague promises to hang out, but no plan ever materializes.

2.) Secret Vital Information

Only after dating him for… mmm… anywhere from two weeks to two years do you find out he’s already married, is divorced, engaged or has a long-distance relationship with another woman back home. The normal rule of revealing such vital information on a first date does not seem to apply to many Arabs.

When you do find out, he treats it like it’s no biggie, as though it simply slipped his mind, or better yet, he acts surprised that you would even consider this information a deal-breaker. Case in point, my friend was dating an Arab guy for over a month before he told her he was set to get married the following month. Fear not, though, he told her casually — they can still sleep together up until the day of the wedding. What’s the big deal, right?

3.) You are the Secret

Either he’s hiding something from you, or he’s hiding YOU from his world. Many Arab parents would outright disown their child if they find out he’s in a relationship with a non-Arab. Actually, even if you are Arab but do not share the same creed, class and hometown as him, then you can pretty much fugettaboutit.

4.) Too Serious Too Quick

If he’s not playing with you, then he’s moving 1,000 miles an hour. Within one week of dating, he tells you he loves you, wants to marry you and pop out half-Arab babies together. He calls you early morning, mid-morning, late-morning, early-afternoon, mid-afternoon, late-afternoon, early evening, mid-evening, late evening and late into the wee hours.

You become his girlfriend the second his dick enters your vagina. This kind of Arab is the exact opposite of the “You are the Secret” kind. He talks about you constantly to everyone — his friends, family and maybe even Allah.

5.) Too Possessive

Let’s face it. Arab men are possessive as hell. He’s so possessive, you’d think you’re an oil well in Saudi Arabia. If another man dares to hit on you, oh boy is he in trouble, even if he’s 10 times buffer than your boyfriend.

6.) No Sense of Sleep Cycle

Dating an Arab man will guarantee to throw you off your sleep cycle. Staying up till 3 am on a Wednesday? Check. Waking you up four times to have sex? Definitely. Making you wait two hours past your bedtime because he’s late? Oh yeah.

Sleep as non-Arabs know it — i.e. a nightly state of unconsciousness that for the love of God should last at least eight consecutive hours involving rapid eye movement — does not mean anything to most Arabs. Even if he has to wake up at 6 am to go to work, he’ll still stay up till past midnight — seven days a week.

7.) Too Proud

He’s never too weak, poor or unskilled to do whatever it is that if he admits he can’t do, the sky would fall. You need someone to move that king-sized bed, babes? He’s got it. Blew a tire and don’t have a jack? He’ll lift the car himself to change the tire. Going Dutch on a meal? Not in his lifetime!

The problem with that, though, is you’ll never see the vulnerable side of him. Stubborn to the end, he’ll never, ever ask you for help, lest you think he’s a wuss.

8.) Smoking

If he is Arabic, chances are, he smokes — whether they’re cigarettes, sheesha, hashish or all of the above plus five other smokable vices. Before moving to the Middle East, I never would’ve even thought about dating a smoker. Nowadays, i consider myself lucky if he doesn’t smoke more than two packs a day.

9.) Late All the Time

When he says meet him at 6:00, he really means 7:00 — earliest. The non-Arab standard of what is considered fashionably late is in comparion extremely punctual. An Arab guy once told me he’ll pick me up at 8 pm and showed up at midnight. To wiggle themselves out of trouble, they say “Insha’Allah,” which means God Willing. Example — “I’ll be there at 7 insha’Allah.” Fuck insha’Allah.

So there you have it. Ramadan Kareem! Did I mention Muslim Arabs are supposed to refrain from sex during Ramadan? Maybe that explains my crankiness a bit.

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

• Types of dysfunctional daters: The Boyfriender
• What to expect if you date: a Virgo
• The Saturday Interview: Jacki Schklar
• What to expect if you date a Leo
• You are what you read

GOOD THINGS: reduced medical bills and visits (Virgo’s are full time doctors/nurses); clean and organized home; healthy diet; lots of trips to the gym; never late with taxes; balanced bank account; surprisingly thrilling sex life; always up to date with current news and events; they have high standards, which probably makes you raise your game; forces you to be on time; life will be predictable and balanced;  they won’t require much from you, as they tend to be self sufficient;  you will find yourself more calm, predictable, settled, and, perhaps, boring.

BAD THINGS: you don’t want to live a “calm”, “predictable”, and “settled” life; will find yourself competing with their other love—their job; spontaneity may be a word never ever used in your relationship; they appear to be the perfect, charming partner, but deep down something is missing; their digestive system is so delicate you will find their diet to be borderline hospital food type material; their allergies will annoy the shit out of you; their chronic health problems will make them seem like a walking Mayo Clinic; they live in their own head so much that you won’t ever have access to their thoughts seeing as they often forget to communicate what they are thinking (or just plain refuse to share); you love them so much, yet you just can’t figure out why; they may symbolize the Virgin Maid in astrology, but sometimes you think they should just be called the Old Maid; their perfectionist tendencies can make you feel inadequate for having a blemish; they won’t want to settle down and give up their bachelor ways until well into their 30s (warning: Virgo’s who marry before 30 tend to suffer a higher divorce rate).

DATE THEM IF YOU: enjoy mental discussions and word play; like to work hard and long hours and need a partner who respects (or mimics) your lifestyle; need a partner who is financially conservative and good at saving money; enjoy dry humor and surprisingly off-color comments; need consistency and routine in your life; have a lot of medical problems or phobias, and need an on-call doctor for medical attention and advice; are inspired by someone who is uber philosophical and always seeking self improvement; don’t mind that they can change their mind (when they care to share with you what is on it) every 5 minutes or so; enjoy being with someone who is always put together in a classy, fashionable way; like having an intensely sexual bedroom life, unbeknownst to the speculation of others who think you only do it missionary style.

ADDITIONAL:

It may seem as if Virgos are all boring as f**k fuddy-duddies.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Virgos can surprise you at the most random moments, throwing out very witty comments and insights, or pouncing on you for an evening of erotica. The thing is you just never know what you are going to get with them—mostly because they keep their thoughts so private, that you really don’t have an insight into what they are thinking or feeling until they do it.  It seems odd that a sign that is so “predictable” can be so “unpredictable”, doesn’t it?  The truth is that Virgos are predictable in their own self imposed routines (work, gym, diet, leisure time), but unpredictable in their feelings, especially when it comes to love.  It takes a LOT for a Virgo to truly fall in love.  They have to let go of the windmills of their mind, so to speak, to allow their inside chatter to cease long enough for their heart to be able to speak up.

The good news is that a Virgo who truly loves is also truly loyal and supportive.  A decision to commit to a person, or anything else (job, home, business venture, etc), has been a carefully evaluated and thought-out process.  By the time they make their decision, they have already been living it out in their mind for years (kind of like the theory of “Inception”—5 minutes in one level of unconsciousness is like 5 years in the next level).

Female Virgos aren’t single all that often.  Men are attracted to their put-together attitude, their solid financial status, and their ability to shoot-the-shit with the guys.  More importantly, female Virgos HATE being single.  They tend to always have a man in their life, sometimes only for the companionship.  It doesn’t “look good” to be a single woman.  They crave love and constantly strive to achieve that lofty status of “happily ever after.”  If they don’t check themselves, however, they can end up settling for the man that looks perfect on paper, rather than the man that is perfect for them.  This can lead to a rather unhappy marriage that they will find hard to walk away from because Mr. Perfect on Paper provides them the balance and security they need. And isn’t that enough to sustain a life together?? That would be the $60 million question…

Male Virgos, in contrast, are the perpetual bachelor.  Commitment terrifies them because it forces them to pull their attention away from their career or private thoughts.  They prefer to be hermits and focus on a specific goal, and falling in love is too dangerous a game for them.  GASP, they would have to SHARE their private thoughts. Imagine!  Ironically, male Virgo’s have a certain je ne sais quoi about them that women LOVE.  They are charming, manly, and humble all at once.  They speak slowly, appear to be modest, and typically, come off as a martyr.  Women want to coddle and cuddle their Virgo man, hoping that if they do that, the Virgo man will give her the key to his mind.  Women love a good game, and what better game to play than to figure out the trappings of the Virgo male mind?  It must also be sad that the Virgo male, infinitely locked in his own head, is always searching for his ideal/perfect woman.  Unlike a female Virgo who will settle for perfect on paper, a male Virgo won’t settle until he finds perfect in real life.  Problem is, does that really exist?  And, if it does, how scary is it to go after what you really want?

Male or female, Virgo’s should hold off on marriage and commitment until they are older and more balanced.  It is at their stage of maturity (mid to late 30s) that they truly understand who they are and what they want from life.

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

• Types of dysfunctional daters: The Boyfriender
• Abstinence, sex marathons and cigarettes: the strangely awesome world of Arabian dating
• What to expect if you date a Leo
• Introducing the Astrological Hodge Podge with Malibu Mona
• Types of dysfunctional daters: the Pet Proxy

Who they are:

Identifying traits: cat/dog/horse fur on clothes and hair; talks about their pet constantly and gets noticeably jittery when conversation veers away from it; discusses their pet’s stools openly.

Why they’re single: like the baby ducks who will follow a human in lieu of a feathered mother, the Pet Proxy projects their innate need for human companionship onto their animal. This puts them in a weird spot. One the one hand they don’t really feel the “need” to be with someone; on the other, they can’t have sexual relations or any other kind of normal communication with their pet, which leaves them vaguely dissatisfied, but often not enough to make them do something about it.

Advantages: intimacy without the baggage (except for the the bags you pick up the dog shit with); gives you a living thing to care for and worry about, thereby allowing you to bury you problems like a bone in the backyard.

Disadvantages: begins to speak in cutesy ‘pet voice’ more often than normal human voice; smells weird; growing reliance on pet as a security blanket means they have to bring them everywhere they go (you’ve seen people with cats on leashes.)

What they can do about it: partner up with someone who is also a pet freak on your level, or is such a softie they will also obsess over your little munchkin; give the pet to your parents for awhile and see how you change or if you can stand yourself alone; come to terms with the fact that pets are purely entertainment, like a Walkman, and allowing them to take over your life is akin to, uh, turning into a giant Walkman.

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

• Types of dysfunctional daters: The Boyfriender
• Abstinence, sex marathons and cigarettes: the strangely awesome world of Arabian dating
• What to expect if you date: a Virgo
• Types of dysfunctional daters: the Dissmiss-u-lator
• Reason #1 (guys): you've been sissified

What’s that? You don’t like my life jacket? My personal flotation device (PFD)? Well, I will have you know that I can slip off a foamy PFD just as easily as I can a silky camisole. You see, I’m a chameleon – at home in absolutely any environment! Seriously, take me anywhere, I’ll fit in, and I love adventure!

Look pal, if you want some high maintenance bitch who’s afraid of getting a wet, I’m not the one for you, obviously. But if you’re looking for a well-rounded, eclectic, eccentric, multi-personality disordered nut, let’s chat.

PS. your mom will love me.

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

• Dating Doh!nt: online edition - pictures of you with a wineglass
• Dating Doh!ts: online edition
• 5 profile pictures that will get you nowhere fast
• Types of dysfunctional daters: The Boyfriender
• Abstinence, sex marathons and cigarettes: the strangely awesome world of Arabian dating

1. You hiking, ice climbing, or doing some other activity that involves sweat and B.O. Ok, it’s cool that you’re into nature, but sweaty pits are the last thing one wants as a first impression.

2. You with your parents. Unless your parents are insanely hot, it’s not a good idea to show someone what you’ll look like in twenty or so years.

3. You at work. Hey! It’s me, under florescent lights, in my depressing cubicle where my ass is getting fatter by the day!

4. You taking a cell phone picture of yourself. No matter how good you think you are, these shots are always weird. Your eyes are looking to the far right, and your smile is askew and awkward.

5. Professional head shots. No matter how good they are, these pictures just come off as cheesy and narcissistic. However, if you’re a cheesy, narcissitic person, this might be a good way to go.

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

• Match-less
• Dating Doh!nt: online edition - pictures of you kayaking
• Dateability in real life: it seems so long ago
• Recipe for Disaster part 2: the Accosting
• Recipe for disaster? Just add wine and meds.