Posts tagged prediction
Grading the vows: Ku + Rubin
Highlights: love has eluded this Boston Appeals Court Judge, known to be stern-yet-fair on the bench, mainly because he’s been working so hard all his life. Think he could have achieved so much with the distraction of romance? No! Now he’s ready, and what a fine rose he’s plucked this spring.
Troubling questions: since she’s (very likely) not Jewish, and the religion goes through the woman, their kids will be relegated to the dreaded half-Jew status. Also, the Woody Allen syndrome is running strong in this one – ie. older Jewish guy marrying an Asian woman half his age. Since they’re both lawyers, their union represents the creation of a powerful Super Lawyer, which, like those giant evil robots in old sci-fi movies, can take over civilization if not controlled.
What their kids will look like: gorgeous. From her they’ll inherit perfect skin and kind disposition; from him they’ll get a stocky-athletic frame and good ol American ambition.
Grades: Compatibility: C-; Longevity: A-; Likability: B-. Final grade: C+
Bonus points: +20 if…
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Grading the Vows: Grossman, Baron
A new feature in which we grade a wedding announcement from the Sunday NY Times vows section.
Highlights: nice, genuine, down-to-earth creative media hipster types somehow find each other in Los Angeles, of all places.
Troubling questions: why did it take him till 39 to get married? Signs point to commitment issues. What is the daughter of Cambridge intellectuals doing in reality television? This indicates stifled potential and possible regret in the future.
What their kids will look like: his head is exceptionally long, while hers is quite oval. Optimistically, their off-spring will combine elements of both and have the most perfectly shaped heads, ever.
Grades: Compatibility: B+; Longevity: B-; Likability: B. Final grade: B
Bonus points: +10 for waiting until their 30s to get married.
Pic Quip: Olivia Munn & Chris Pine
A regular feature in which body language expert Greg Grabianski, PHD, analyzes a celebrity photograph and gives us the real deal.
1. Distance – so much distance between a couple while drinking coffee can only mean tension and passive-aggression. What’s causing it? Let’s look deeper.
2. Tight lips, looking off into the distance – as any man knows this is the expression of a very pissed off woman. Did she catch him checking out the barista’s ass? Or is she just embarrassed because Chris insisted on wearing a scarf when it’s warm enough outside to wear a t-shirt? Neither.
3. Holding wallet – Olivia had to pay for Chris’ latte. This is clearly a microcosm of what’s destroying the relationship: Olivia is constantly footing the bill for the fading Chris, and is becoming resentful.
4. Head dropped in shame – as per norm when someone picks up the tab for one’s broke ass, Chris feels like a schmuck for about five minutes, wondering when Star Trek 2 will go into production, though the feeling lifts…
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Dumpcast: Fergie and Josh Duhamel
Conditions: Began dating in 2004 after Fergie appeared on Josh’s show Las Vegas and married in January 2009.
Storm Warnings: Josh reported having multiple sex with stripper/mother Nicole Forrester; Fergie getting drunk and peeing herself during Peas concert (heh heh).
The Dump-Cast: Conditions are currently stable – they showed up holding hands at his premiere for When in Rome, and the twosome renewed their vows on their one year anniversary But how many other married couples do you know that felt the need to renew their views after ONE YEAR OF MARRIAGE and not invite anyone to the ceremony? That’s what I thought.
Storm clouds gather when Fergie goes on an extended tour with the Black Eyed Peas and Josh starts shooting Transformers 3. Sometimes, silence can be like thunder. Ka-boom! Separated by October.
Chances of rain: 70%
Dumpcast: Dr. “G” and Dr. “S”
Conditions: Both Jewish, both doctors, both Ivy Leaguers, these two combined to form a Jewish parent’s dream team, the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since Jordan and Magic went to the Olympics. It’s a match made in heaven, but sometimes there’s a crook in the Ivy road to multiple PHDs.
Storm Warnings: Lately, at the dinner table, conversation flat-lines when the Doctors run out of medical things to discuss. As verbal defibrillator, Dr. S tried playing “Scene It!” with her during dessert, but she lost interest after the first three.
Dump Cast: Continuing the Dream Team analogy, the perfect pair will be an unstoppable force in the beginning and win the gold easily. Soon after they will coast on their talent – the chemistry will slip, and they’ll be left thinking, “How can this happen? We’re so good on paper!” At this point they’ll go back to their Rabbi – the equivalent of Coach K – who will get them back on track to their winning ways. They’ll repeat this patten for life.…
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Trend Genie: Turtlenecks
Trend: the turtleneck
When it will arrive: 4 years
Famous turtleneck wearers: Shaft, Steve McQueen, Diane Keaton
Why: this is one 80s stalwart that somehow didn’t make it into the current reprise. How high-waisted mom jeans returned for an encore while turtlenecks got the slip defies all logic, but the trend genie keeps a keen eye on such forgotten gems because they always get their due, and turtlenecks will back, big time, in 2014, for both men and women.
The twist: turtlenecks will have prints of animals, and ironic statements like “stick with me – I’m going nowhere.”
