Love in the Dumps » nytimes

Grading the vows: Salemme, Walker

Love in the Dumps — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 13:54:56 +0000

Analysis: remember the mean frat guys and the women who loved them in Revenge of the Nerds? Animal House? Can’t Buy Me Love? Perhaps you think these people exist only in the movies. Then you stumble over the thread spun by Mark and Elisabeth, whose courtship you can also see in a five page spread in Bucknell’s money-begging alumi glossy.

Troubling questions: their love grew from the fecund soil of an Alpha Delta theme party – sticky floors, deafening music, entitled debauchery – and one could argue the union is strong since it flourished despite these odds. However, the high likelihood that one or both barfed on the other the night they met/hooked up makes us believe they are standing on shaky ground.

What their kids will look like: Johnny from the original Karate Kid.

Point summery (points work against you):
Lookalike factor: +200
Ivy cred: 0
Cum laude crap: +15
Getting married too young: +10
Double Jersey bonus: +11
Likeability: +8
Mother predicting wedding, like in an episode of Maybery RFD: +5
Whining about too much homework: +16
“Vows” writer running out of steam because of story lameness: +4

Who will wear the pants: Mark and his mom. A mother/son unified front is always extremely powerful.

How long will it last: 5 years. Sorry kids – this fratty fantasy is a wash (had they met in Comp Lit it would be a different story.)

Final grade: D+

Grading the Vows: Conrad, Ferrell

Denny DelVecchio — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 12:08:10 +0000

We’re in the middle of wedding season, and with the NY Times Vows section busting at seams with newlyweds, LITD enlisted friend and substitute teacher Denny DelVecchio of Your New Bad Habit to help grade a few. As we know, sub teachers are always lenient to bad students, and Denny is no exception – enjoy it while you can, miscreants. – .ed

Who’s that knocking on Denny’s door at the unholy hour of 11:45 am?

Oh, Denny Dance almost forgot that he owed Love in the Dumps a column this week. Fine. Let me slip into something a little less snug and fishnetty and I’ll get right to it.

There, that’s better.

As a man who once foolishly took a shallow but bitter pull from matrimony’s joyless decanter , I feel uniquely qualified to serve as judge, jury and sexecutioner when it comes to the oft-doomed nuptials of others.

And this week’s installment has a little bit of everything. So slip into the wedding dress your mother bought for you last year at Filene’s Basement “because it was a fabulous goddamn deal, I mean what ungrateful little brat turns her nose up at a $79 wedding dress that her own mother wrestled away from a stinky old Robitussin-swilling hag from Queens just so her only daughter can look like a princess if she can ever trick someone into loving her long enough to put a ring on her finger” and party along with Denny.

Welcome to love’s sloppy embrace, Lucas and Louise. Hopefully you appreciate Denny’s recent wedding gift of free divorce/dissolution counsel, courtesy of Jacob S. Maroni, Esq. (Think of it as passion’s little insurance policy.)

Oh Dear Lord, where do I take my first savage bite out of these delightful oddballs?

The bastard lovebaby of Andy Samberg and Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, Farrell is an accomplished wordsmith, with a preternatural ability to take a formerly optimistic, well-adjusted reader and transport them into the type of bleak emotional abyss enjoyed only by unfortunate souls who have been on the business end of a meandering, self-indulgent Dave Matthews jam session. Christ, I’ve seen deeper cultural truths in a book of Mad-Libs. Or maybe even in this morose, ass-wipe worthy joke of a rag.

His dearest Louisa, who herself appears to have sprung from the fertile loins of Karen Allen and Bridget Fonda is, like Denny, an artist of some import. And, as fate would have it, a current classmate of mine.

According to the announcement, the bride is keeping her name. Denny wholeheartedly concurs. Louisa is a lovely name.

How about the in-laws?

The newest Mrs. Farrell’s elegant mother is now President of the prestigious “Bedford 2020 Coalition.” Unfortunately, nobody has broken it to Mrs. C that the world is going to meet a harrowing, premature end sometime in 2012.

She is married to a man named Winthrop B. Conrad, Jr. Denny’s not saying anything about him because I learned long ago you simply don’t fuck with people with names like Winthrop B. Conrad, Jr. Tom Cruise found that out the hard way.

Homeboy’s moms and pops are a nurse and school director, respectively. If you can make something funny and/or interesting out of that, drop Denny a page.

Denny’s Final Verdict:

Although I so badly wanted to sentence these two to an awkward, sexless honeymoon in Vermont, followed by 18 months of Wedded Hades trying to “out pretentious” each other, I have come to the conclusion that they’re potentially fairly dope youngsters who are likely going to have a long and sweet life together tending to the goats by day and yielding to passion’s sweet fruits by night.

FINAL GRADE: D, for Denny Approved!

A hearty DelVecchian congratulations to Lu-Lou and all of their myriad beasts of the field.

Engorged With Love,

Denny DelVecchio

Grading the Vows: Dayani, Traugott

Love in the Dumps — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 12:54:53 +0000

Analysis: she spent three years and $150k of her parent’s dough to get a fancy law degree only to defect to the glamorous world of high fashion. One gets the feeling that she smashed up her dad’s BMW back in the day, and basically got away with murder in the great Southern California JAP tradition (be advised, the spoiled west coast princess syndrome is by no means just a Jewish thing). As her friends remarked, she needs “an older guy” who “won’t put up with her shit”. Enter Mr. Traugott, president of an entertainment company’s television division. 17 years her senior, Peter reinforces the adage that if you become an entertainment executive, you will score hot, young ass (the adage’s words, not mine).

Troubling questions: the announcement says nothing about previous marriage, so we’re to assume that at 45, he’s never been married; in the LITD dictionary, this spells relationship retard. Her extreme bangs and his big forehead clash like a Rachel Zoe dress and Vineyard Vines slacks.

What their kids will look like: pretty damn good! She’s got nice skin and they both have exemplary teeth.

Grades: compatibility: D teacher’s comments: putting aside the fact that he works in television, he seems more intellectual than she (maybe it’s just the glasses.) This could wear on the Havard MBA’d Peter, who will eventually yearn for a little east coast-style mind sex Longevity: B- teacher’s comments: since he’s mid 40 they’ll probably have kids very soon, which should skirt any emerging differences between the couple (at least for awhile). Likeability: C

GRADE: C
POINTS OFF: they got married in Simi Valley. Yes, that valley. minus five.
FINAL GRADE: C-

Grading the Vows presents…Who Wears the Pants?

Love in the Dumps — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 12:00:38 +0000

Introducing a new class in the Grading the Vows university system, Who Wears the Pants, in which we determine which newlywed will own the marriage down the line. Sign up now, space is limited. Thanks to Liz H. for the idea.

WHY HE'LL WEAR THE PANTS: with all their cards on the table, his magna-Princeton/Harvard MBA beats her cum-Yale/UPenn MBA. This is just enough to tilt the scales in his favor, and Manning will forever stand in his shadow, regretful that she didn't study harder.

WHY SHE'LL WEAR THE PANTS: he is a math professor, too buried in numbers and figures to be bothered with taking control of the marriage. As long as his favorite coffee-stained mug is close by, he'll defer to her.

WHY SHE'LL WEAR THE PANTS: she's a lawyer, and enjoys putting him in "happy" headlocks, as evidenced by their photo (she also gives him weggies.)

WHY SHE'LL WEAR THE PANTS: despite his baby face, Espinel is twelve years older than Davolos, 26, setting up a husband-as-father-figure dynamic that puts him firmly in charge.

LITD Editor in Time Out New York!

Love in the Dumps — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 15:57:57 +0000

Two things feel more pathetic than putting up an online dating profile. Doing so on Craigslist Personals is one; doing it in a newspaper or magazine is another. Your LITD did the latter recently, under the guise of “I’m doing it for the site”. Nice try. This is the snark who, on a weekly basis, Grades the Vows ; we encourage you to turn the chalkboards and grade him, in the comments section. Do your worst! Below, we give you a head start. Original Time Out ad is found here.

Grading the Vows: Greenstein, Frasco

Love in the Dumps — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 12:00:48 +0000

Highlights: a reoccurring question that haunts singles is that of ‘types’: who is my type, and where do I find him/her? Books like these pose theories, but the simple answer comes from the Times Vows section: your type is you, and the closer you can get to you, the better. The extreme case was reported here some months ago, but never has this been more true than with Greenstein and Frasco, a couple whose looks AND background are so strikingly alike that the New Jersey department of weddings and divorces demanded a DNA test to ensure the state wasn’t condoning an incestuous marriage .

Nauseating similarities: both ensconced in the Jewish New Jersey country club circuit; both Cornell grads (she only with honors! Fa!); both lawyers; both Fraternity/Sorority riff raff; both were at the same trashy spring break destination when they met.

What their kids will look like: take a guess.

Grades: Compatibility: F teacher’s comments: would you be compatible with yourself? Yes! Does that mean you should marry yourself? No! Longevity: A Teacher’s comments: if things ever get rough they’ll go back to Alcho-pulco and renew their vows over a beer funnel. Likeability: F “He’s a good dancer.” Translation: he does the white man’s overbite to the Doobie Brothers. “She has a great sense of humor.” Translation: Highly doubtful, unless she finds this post funny, in which case she’s hilarious. FINAL GRADE: F!! Second F in a row!! Teacher throws chalk at the students in disgust and stomps out of the classroom!!

Are you worth the dough your parents (or you) threw down for school?

Love in the Dumps — Tue, 18 May 2010 12:00:09 +0000

It’s graduation season, a time of reflection not only for matriculating seniors but, perhaps, those of us who have been in the real world for awhile. According to the Times, the arguments against going to college are gaining momentum – is a bachelor’s degree really worth the time and money? The question is particularly acute for those who enjoyed a cushy, expensive (roughly $50k per year for college and prep school), albeit good private education.

So how do you measure up? Are you worth all the hard earned cash your parents coughed up for that “Landscape and Gender in Avant Garde Cinema” class? Did your “Jungian Archetypes and Star Trek: a correlation of the mind” module shape how you think?

A LITD study indicates that a liberal arts education orgy is helpful for appearing literate and well-informed at parties, but that’s about it. Indeed, it contributes to delusion and prolonged aimlessness: according to recent polls, 84% of liberal arts graduates still think they’re in college 3 years after graduation; 60% think so 7 years after, and a remarkable 34% believe it 10 years + after.

But it is worthwhile to some. Trust fund inheritors (and to a lesser degree, lottery winners) for whom money and time mean very little, are beneficiaries, as useless and pointless knowledge is indeed quite useful in their world.

Grading the vows lookalike contest

Love in the Dumps — Mon, 10 May 2010 12:11:59 +0000

They say we marry either people who remind us of our parents, or, in a nifty narcissistic twist, people who resemble us psychically. Something uncanny happened yesterday in the New York Times wedding announcements - amazingly, every single couple looked exactly like each other. This is a remarkable feat, on par with the coyote found in Central Park, and should keep relationshipologists busy for the next millennium. Since LITD is your trusted Monday morning quarterback for the wedding announcements, we decided to see how these lookalikes fare when they go head-to-head, so to speak. Kick off!

Psaki/Mecher – exact same smile, nose, eyes and hair. Straight flush is pretty hard to beat. The leafy setting behind them indicates a mutual background of privilege and wealth- we can only assume their blood is now one deep shade of dark blue.
Clark/Woody – same smile, eyes and hair but different noses. She looks taller than he is. Bonus points for a similar “nice-but-cool person” countenance that each seems to possess.
Winner: Psaki/Mecher. They could have come directly out of an old Archie comic, bless their hearts.

Cannon/Fredericks – same smile, nose, eyes, hair and, for 20 bonus points, the same right eye that goes slightly down. Same Upper East Sideiness, and these two are a nearly identitcle.
Stein/Goodman - same small smile, same eyes, same finance/stockbroker no-nonsenseness, same hairdresser (perhaps).
Winner: Cannon/Fredericks. Investigation is under way to determine if these two are in fact related; if so, they face a year in Fulsom Prison.

Coyne/Coyle – same overbites, hair and nose. Different tooth-to-gum ratios and eyes make Coyne and Coyle weak contenders, but their nearly identical last names more than make up for it.
Mitchell/Goldman – same smile, same eyes, same hair, same feisty Jewishness. Points off for extreme hair contrast – she blow dries, he gels.
Winner: Tie. This one’s too tough to call folks. Sorry.

Chin/Howe – the extremely rare case where the couple shares the same body. Also, same head shape. Bonus points for same oddball sensibilities; points off for alpha-Asian-drags-around-aimless-Caucasian pin shot.
Karnes/Strickland - same exact smile, same head shape, very different nose. Same New England earnestness and air of Ivy League education.
Winner: Chin/Howe. The way their differences feed into their similarities is one of a kind and extremely powerful.

OVERALL WINNER: YOU MAKE THE CALL! Vote in the comments!! Don’t be shy.

Grading the vows: Finley, Abramson

Love in the Dumps — Mon, 03 May 2010 12:15:21 +0000

Highlights: mischievous founder of popular, lucrative, profitable humor site which THIS SITE IS NOT AT ALL ENVIOUS OF IN THE LEAST BIT, NO SIR, settles down with a successful, stable older woman.

Troubling questions: with the president getting serious with someone (and therefore his life), will College Humor stay funny? Will it devolve from quality sophomoric farce to bland “couple” humor, the kind you find at (couples only) dinner parties? Let’s hope Abramson has the good sense to hand the Chief Humor Officer reins over to an unmarried person.

What their kids will look like: semi-cute. A mix between Corey Haim (him) and Madeline Stowe (her).

Grades: compatibility: D+- teacher comments: he is goofy and offbeat; she is earnest and magnanimous. Opposites attract, but on paper this doesn’t add up. Longevity: A- teacher comments: because they are so different, the chances of them driving each other nuts deep into the marriage diminish greatly. Likeability: A teacher comments: the ‘reformed rascal’ hearts ‘kindhearted French beauty’ story is just irresistible, even for us. Grade: B

Points deducted: the Hamptons lunch story gave us diarrhea.
Minus 5, drops them down to B-, FINAL GRADE

Grading the Vows: Erwitt + Kaluza

Love in the Dumps — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 12:17:09 +0000

Highlights: just like 98% of the extremely undiverse stories on the NY Times Vows section, this thread was spun inside the hallowed Ivy-lined walls of Columbia, when she fell for “this cute guy” with a “sexy accent” (typical!) They were put to the test when his work kept them apart, but as they explain in their video in the Times, absence made their hearts grow stronger.

Troubling questions: they got married at Bubby’s, a restaurant in the DUMBO section of Brooklyn. Tying the knot in a restaurant is always a bad choice, and Bubby’s especially has its detrators. Take for instance Kat M, a respected reviewer on Yelp:

My fiance had a Cuban sandwich which was alright. His fries were not fresh out of the frier, which one would expect for a 40 minute to prep sandwich type meal. I had Eggs Benedict over a waffle. The waffle wasn’t even as fresh as a freezer Ego out of the toaster and the eggs were almost totally cooked through (not what you want for Eggs Benedict!!) Basically it was a big let down for food that was a) very expensive and b) took so long to get to our table.

One’s marriage, as they say, will only be as good as the wedding night dinner, so let’s hope they didn’t serve the eggs benedict waffle. Also, the step father mentioned in the write-up, Barry Sonnefeld, hasn’t made a good movie since 1995’s Get Shorty.

What their kids will look like: pale, but cute. Also, they won’t inherit his “sexy accent”, but instead will have the very unsexy New York accents.

Grades: Compatibility: B+; Longevity: B; Likeability: C- Grade: B-

Points deducted: in the video on the Times’ site, they are shown awkwardly riding bikes on the Hudson River Park Pier. According to the rules, “It is illegal for any Person to operate a bicycle in vegetated areas or ride on any pedestrian way.”
Busted! -5, drops them down to C+, FINAL GRADE

Love in the Dumps » nytimes

Grading the vows: Salemme, Walker

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Grading the Vows: Conrad, Ferrell

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Grading the Vows presents…Who Wears the Pants?

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LITD Editor in Time Out New York!

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Grading the Vows: Greenstein, Frasco

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Are you worth the dough your parents (or you) threw down for school?

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Grading the vows lookalike contest

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Grading the vows: Finley, Abramson

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Grading the Vows: Erwitt + Kaluza

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