Posts tagged nytimes
Grading the Vows: Conrad, Ferrell
We’re in the middle of wedding season, and with the NY Times Vows section busting at seams with newlyweds, LITD enlisted friend and substitute teacher Denny DelVecchio of Your New Bad Habit to help grade a few. As we know, sub teachers are always lenient to bad students, and Denny is no exception – enjoy it while you can, miscreants. – .ed
Who’s that knocking on Denny’s door at the unholy hour of 11:45 am?
Oh, Denny Dance almost forgot that he owed Love in the Dumps a column this week. Fine. Let me slip into something a little less snug and fishnetty and I’ll get right to it.
There, that’s better.
As a man who once foolishly took a shallow but bitter pull from matrimony’s joyless decanter , I feel uniquely qualified to serve as judge, jury and sexecutioner when it comes to the oft-doomed nuptials of others.
And this week’s installment has a little bit of everything. So slip into the wedding dress your mother…
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Grading the Vows: Dayani, Traugott
Analysis: she spent three years and $150k of her parent’s dough to get a fancy law degree only to defect to the glamorous world of high fashion. One gets the feeling that she smashed up her dad’s BMW back in the day, and basically got away with murder in the great Southern California JAP tradition (be advised, the spoiled west coast princess syndrome is by no means just a Jewish thing). As her friends remarked, she needs “an older guy” who “won’t put up with her shit”. Enter Mr. Traugott, president of an entertainment company’s television division. 17 years her senior, Peter reinforces the adage that if you become an entertainment executive, you will score hot, young ass (the adage’s words, not mine).
Troubling questions: the announcement says nothing about previous marriage, so we’re to assume that at 45, he’s never been married; in the LITD dictionary, this spells relationship retard. Her extreme bangs and his big forehead clash like a Rachel Zoe dress and Vineyard Vines slacks.
What their kids will look…
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Grading the Vows presents…Who Wears the Pants?
Introducing a new class in the Grading the Vows university system, Who Wears the Pants, in which we determine which newlywed will own the marriage down the line. Sign up now, space is limited. Thanks to Liz H. for the idea.
WHY HE'LL WEAR THE PANTS: with all their cards on the table, his magna-Princeton/Harvard MBA beats her cum-Yale/UPenn MBA. This is just enough to tilt the scales in his favor, and Manning will forever stand in his shadow, regretful that she didn't study harder.
WHY SHE'LL WEAR THE PANTS: he is a math professor, too buried in numbers and figures to be bothered with taking control of the marriage. As long as his favorite coffee-stained mug is close by, he'll defer to her.
WHY SHE'LL WEAR THE PANTS: she's a lawyer, and enjoys putting him in "happy" headlocks, as evidenced by their photo (she also gives him weggies.)
WHY SHE'LL WEAR THE PANTS: despite
LITD Editor in Time Out New York!
Two things feel more pathetic than putting up an online dating profile. Doing so on Craigslist Personals is one; doing it in a newspaper or magazine is another. Your LITD did the latter recently, under the guise of “I’m doing it for the site”. Nice try. This is the snark who, on a weekly basis, Grades the Vows ; we encourage you to turn the chalkboards and grade him, in the comments section. Do your worst! Below, we give you a head start. Original Time Out ad is found here.
Grading the Vows: Greenstein, Frasco
Highlights: a reoccurring question that haunts singles is that of ‘types’: who is my type, and where do I find him/her? Books like these pose theories, but the simple answer comes from the Times Vows section: your type is you, and the closer you can get to you, the better. The extreme case was reported here some months ago, but never has this been more true than with Greenstein and Frasco, a couple whose looks AND background are so strikingly alike that the New Jersey department of weddings and divorces demanded a DNA test to ensure the state wasn’t condoning an incestuous marriage .
Nauseating similarities: both ensconced in the Jewish New Jersey country club circuit; both Cornell grads (she only with honors! Fa!); both lawyers; both Fraternity/Sorority riff raff; both were at the same trashy spring break destination when they met.
What their kids will look like: take a guess.
Grades: Compatibility: F teacher’s comments: would you be compatible with yourself? Yes! Does that mean you should marry yourself? No!…
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Are you worth the dough your parents (or you) threw down for school?
It’s graduation season, a time of reflection not only for matriculating seniors but, perhaps, those of us who have been in the real world for awhile. According to the Times, the arguments against going to college are gaining momentum – is a bachelor’s degree really worth the time and money? The question is particularly acute for those who enjoyed a cushy, expensive (roughly $50k per year for college and prep school), albeit good private education.
So how do you measure up? Are you worth all the hard earned cash your parents coughed up for that “Landscape and Gender in Avant Garde Cinema” class? Did your “Jungian Archetypes and Star Trek: a correlation of the mind” module shape how you think?
A LITD study indicates that a liberal arts education orgy is helpful for appearing literate and well-informed at parties, but that’s about it. Indeed, it contributes to delusion and prolonged aimlessness: according to recent polls, 84% of liberal arts graduates still think they’re in college 3 years after graduation; 60% think so…
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Grading the vows lookalike contest
They say we marry either people who remind us of our parents, or, in a nifty narcissistic twist, people who resemble us psychically. Something uncanny happened yesterday in the New York Times wedding announcements - amazingly, every single couple looked exactly like each other. This is a remarkable feat, on par with the coyote found in Central Park, and should keep relationshipologists busy for the next millennium. Since LITD is your trusted Monday morning quarterback for the wedding announcements, we decided to see how these lookalikes fare when they go head-to-head, so to speak. Kick off!
Psaki/Mecher – exact same smile, nose, eyes and hair. Straight flush is pretty hard to beat. The leafy setting behind them indicates a mutual background of privilege and wealth- we can only assume their blood is now one deep shade of dark blue.
Clark/Woody – same smile, eyes and hair but different noses. She looks taller than he is. Bonus points for a similar “nice-but-cool person” countenance that each seems to possess.
Winner:…
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Grading the vows: Finley, Abramson
Highlights: mischievous founder of popular, lucrative, profitable humor site which THIS SITE IS NOT AT ALL ENVIOUS OF IN THE LEAST BIT, NO SIR, settles down with a successful, stable older woman.
Troubling questions: with the president getting serious with someone (and therefore his life), will College Humor stay funny? Will it devolve from quality sophomoric farce to bland “couple” humor, the kind you find at (couples only) dinner parties? Let’s hope Abramson has the good sense to hand the Chief Humor Officer reins over to an unmarried person.
What their kids will look like: semi-cute. A mix between Corey Haim (him) and Madeline Stowe (her).
Grades: compatibility: D+- teacher comments: he is goofy and offbeat; she is earnest and magnanimous. Opposites attract, but on paper this doesn’t add up. Longevity: A- teacher comments: because they are so different, the chances of them driving each other nuts deep into the marriage diminish greatly. Likeability: A teacher comments: the ‘reformed rascal’ hearts ‘kindhearted French beauty’ story is just…
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Grading the Vows: Erwitt + Kaluza
Highlights: just like 98% of the extremely undiverse stories on the NY Times Vows section, this thread was spun inside the hallowed Ivy-lined walls of Columbia, when she fell for “this cute guy” with a “sexy accent” (typical!) They were put to the test when his work kept them apart, but as they explain in their video in the Times, absence made their hearts grow stronger.
Troubling questions: they got married at Bubby’s, a restaurant in the DUMBO section of Brooklyn. Tying the knot in a restaurant is always a bad choice, and Bubby’s especially has its detrators. Take for instance Kat M, a respected reviewer on Yelp:
My fiance had a Cuban sandwich which was alright. His fries were not fresh out of the frier, which one would expect for a 40 minute to prep sandwich type meal. I had Eggs Benedict over a waffle. The waffle wasn’t even as fresh as a freezer Ego out of the toaster and the eggs were almost totally cooked through (not what you…
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Grading the vows: Ku + Rubin
Highlights: love has eluded this Boston Appeals Court Judge, known to be stern-yet-fair on the bench, mainly because he’s been working so hard all his life. Think he could have achieved so much with the distraction of romance? No! Now he’s ready, and what a fine rose he’s plucked this spring.
Troubling questions: since she’s (very likely) not Jewish, and the religion goes through the woman, their kids will be relegated to the dreaded half-Jew status. Also, the Woody Allen syndrome is running strong in this one – ie. older Jewish guy marrying an Asian woman half his age. Since they’re both lawyers, their union represents the creation of a powerful Super Lawyer, which, like those giant evil robots in old sci-fi movies, can take over civilization if not controlled.
What their kids will look like: gorgeous. From her they’ll inherit perfect skin and kind disposition; from him they’ll get a stocky-athletic frame and good ol American ambition.
Grades: Compatibility: C-; Longevity: A-; Likability: B-. Final grade: C+
Bonus points: +20 if…
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