Posts tagged internetdating
Guest post: lying online
LITD boasts an impressive writing team representing every gender and most ethnicities. Denny DelVeccio (Italian); Tight Banana (China/Canada/Middle East); Beth Alice Cook (San Franciscian); Ignacio Hancock (Utica). Jill the Duchess, however, seemed to think the collective voice was female, and when she realized that the Editor in Chief is actually ALL MAN she was pleasantly surprised, as she states in her intro to our guest post on Singlemindedwomen.com.
Dating Doh!nt: online edition – pictures of you kayaking
Hello potential soul mate for life! What do you think of this picture of me, paddling the tranquil waters of the Pacific in my kayak? I included this photo because it displays an important side of me – the outdoorsy, nature-loving side. And if you didn’t notice (shame on you if you didn’t), this picture came immediately after the one of me boozing in a trendy lounge, which is testament to my versatile personality. You see, I am just as comfortable sitting on my ass in this plastic vessel as I am sitting on my ass at the opera. I can rock aqua socks or ten inch hooker heels. I can navigate the Briney deep in the morning, as I’m doing here, and a Reseda shopping mall in the afternoon.
What’s that? You don’t like my life jacket? My personal flotation device (PFD)? Well, I will have you know that I can slip off a foamy PFD just as easily as I can a silky camisole. You see, I’m a chameleon – at home in…
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Dateability in real life: it seems so long ago
Looking at this comic, it’s sad to think how internet dating has denigrated so many of these classic rules. Since a date is just a few clicks away, you don’t have to be alert (panel 1), NOBODY sets people up anymore (panel 3), everyone is looking for the next best thing (panel 5), and we’re pretty much assholes to old people (panel 6). Second of all, I wish people still said stuff like “it is a pleasure!”
Recipe for Disaster part 2: the Accosting
This is the second and final part of this story.
Recipe for Disaster part 2: the Accosting
As we continue on this dark journey, I want to back a bit to the date, pre-barf, during which we discussed writing (she is a writer). I had mentioned my site, Love in the Dumps, which is humor for singles; she seemed genuinely interested and said she would check it out. These were of course the happy hours. As we know from part 1, she got drunk, sick, and embarrassed, thanks to a new set of meds that don’t go down well with Merlot.
After the next-day round of ‘how do you feel’ texts, and later some flirty Facebook chats, I got this message:
The challenge of reconciling one’s creative projects with his personal relationships is well documented, but sister – please. I have a website with satirical, and sometimes R rated (but never X) material. You mix meds with booze on first dates then projectile vomit while your date watches Cops in…
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Dating Doh!nt: online edition – pictures of you with a wineglass
Oh! Hi. Looks like you caught me in a “casual” moment, just having a drop or two of wine. You see, I like to unwind after a long day at work, and well, a glass of Merlot is how I like to do it. Did you know it’s pronounced “Merlow”? I didn’t know that until yesterday. Crazy Spanish words! Anyway, I’m choosing this picture for my main “profile” shot on disHarmony.com, because it gets to the essence of who I am – a raging alcoholic. Yes sir! It begins with elegance, as I sip the grape and enjoy some cheese. After the bottle’s drained, I begin to slur. How do I know I’m slurring, if I’m all alone and not talking to anyone? Because I’m talking to my cat, Mr. LittleFiddleSticks. I’m telling him about my day.
Second bottle of Merlow is corked, and I’m a disaster. Mainly because I shouldn’t mix alcohol with these antianxiety meds. But who cares! Nobody listens to those “warnings” anyway! Oh gosh, maybe I should have something more to…
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Recipe for disaster? Just add wine and meds.
It was one of those Internet dates you keep putting off because of the vague premonition of doom surrounding it. Deep in your gut you know it will be a waste of time. But like a gambler throwing down his jack of hearts in the hopes of winning a big hand, you force yourself to do it. Because as anyone who’s done it knows, Internet dating plays upon our weaknesses and addictive nature. It taps our desire to get something for nothing, seduces us with adrenaline rushes from the extreme highs, and taunts us with the carrot of a big reward for small risk. So I threw on some designer jeans, doused myself with nauseating cologne I stole from my 12 year old nephew and stepped out into the crisp New York autumn, rolling the dice once again.
I staked my claim at the bar and ordered a Chilean Carmenere; she arrived five minutes later. Cute by most standards, and definitely cute enough for me, she ordered a Merlot. Our glasses clink, signaling the starting…
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Dating Doh!ts: online edition
Situation:
You’ve written someone, and they have not written back for awhile (more than 3 days), which means they are not interested and therefore will not write back, ever.
Tempting thought:
Maybe they didn’t get your message (spam etc), or were really busy and just missed it.
Dating Doh!nt:
You write a ‘follow up’ note, either asking if they got your note or just attempting to restart a dead engine.
Result:
You appear even more pathetic than before; loss of pride; diminished confidence.
In the future:
Take the hit like a man/woman and move on.
Send your Dating Doh!nts to: news <at>loveinthedumps.com
Impersonal of the day: Notyourshrink
Every week we post an Impersonal that is archetypal of everyone’s relationship issues. This week we feature notyourshrink, a LITD fixture who’s even had a few sessions with the great Doctor Damage. She obviously has her issues but I’d be willing to bet there’s a little notyourshrink in all of us.
What’s your analysis? Do you have any of the same baggage? Do you know a Notyourshrink?
The web: rabbit hole for effeminate straight men?
It’s 7 pm on a Wednesday evening at Wilfie and Nell in the West Village. To my left is John, my internet date for the evening. He’s explaining something, and he’s excited. Arms flailing, wrists flicking, voice rising and falling in dramatic fashion. And I think, my God, not again. Not another effeminate straight guy posing as an urban lumberjack.
Truth be told, I have something of a fetish for the urban lumberjack, defined as anyone over 6′0 tall, wears flannel, has a beard/scruff/tattoo(s), can fix things, and voted for Hillary in the primaries. Combined, these elements paint a portrait of pure virility, sex and man. But John, with his flailing limbs and summer ale, is about as far from the desired U.L. as one can possibly be, bringing me to my thesis, which is more a warning to women looking for love online: beware the effeminate straight man posing as something very different.
The reason is fairly obvious: given the opportunity to reshape your persona into something a little more, er, appealing…
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Match-less
If nothing else, internet dating serves an important psychological purpose – making you believe that your love life isn’t stuck in the mud, even if it most definitely is.
Shameless plug: dating sites are lame because you can’t get a sense of someone by a few pictures (which usually isn’t how they really look anyway) and generic ‘about me’ statements. Date Dispatch brings a dynamic, Facebook approach to flirting / dating, and is a lot more fun.
