Love Busted:

Accomplice: Mariah Carey

Violation: Using wife to advance career

Location: New York and Los Angeles

Officer’s notes:
Finding the sham within a Hollywood relationship is like solving a crime – you see who benefits, and start there. In this case, the Love Busters didn’t have to go any further.

Before the accused married Mariah Carey in April, he was a wannabe rapper with one album, a second that was never released, and a second rate show on MTV, “Wild ‘N Out”. He was a C Lister at best. Since marrying Mimi, Nick’s stock has risen considerably and so have his opportunities: he became the Chairman of Teen Nick, launched NCredible Entertainment and was hired as host of America’s Got Talent. He’s this decade’s K-Fed: a loser who’s willing to put up with his wife’s eccentricities for fame and fortune. But we’ve got news for you, Mr. DJ Sex Fingers, as well as for you, Miss Unicorns, angels and lambs: your Balsa wood relationship might be fooling your Twitter followers, but not us. Busted!

Ticket: 100 days community service.

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

• Pic Quip: Olivia Munn & Chris Pine
• Dumpcast: Fergie and Josh Duhamel
• John Mayer, soothsayer
• Mathmatical Proof that Relationships are Impossible in NYC
• Dating Doh!ts: online edition

1. Distance – so much distance between a couple while drinking coffee can only mean tension and passive-aggression. What’s causing it? Let’s look deeper.

2. Tight lips, looking off into the distance – as any man knows this is the expression of a very pissed off woman. Did she catch him checking out the barista’s ass? Or is she just embarrassed because Chris insisted on wearing a scarf when it’s warm enough outside to wear a t-shirt? Neither.

3. Holding wallet – Olivia had to pay for Chris’ latte. This is clearly a microcosm of what’s destroying the relationship: Olivia is constantly footing the bill for the fading Chris, and is becoming resentful.

4. Head dropped in shame – as per norm when someone picks up the tab for one’s broke ass, Chris feels like a schmuck for about five minutes, wondering when Star Trek 2 will go into production, though the feeling lifts faster than the Venice Beach fog. He’ll ask her for his gambling allowance in just a few hours.

Bottom line – Though it’s currently fashionable for men to marry women richer than they are, celebrities never stick with a trend for long, and Olivia will drop this one very soon.

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

• Love Bust: Nick Cannon & Mariah Carey
• Dumpcast: Fergie and Josh Duhamel
• John Mayer, soothsayer
• Are you loving like a Darma or a Greg?
• Types of dysfunctional daters: the Irksome Ivy

Conditions:

Storm Warnings: Josh reported having multiple sex with stripper/mother Nicole Forrester; Fergie getting drunk and peeing herself during Peas concert  (heh heh).

The Dump-Cast: Conditions are currently stable  – they showed up holding hands at his premiere for When in Rome, and the twosome renewed their vows on their one year anniversary But how many other married couples do you know that felt the need to renew their views after ONE YEAR OF MARRIAGE and not invite anyone to the ceremony? That’s what I thought.

Storm clouds gather when Fergie goes on an extended tour with the Black Eyed Peas  and Josh starts shooting Transformers 3.  Sometimes, silence can be like thunder. Ka-boom!  Separated by October.

Chances of rain: 70%

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

• Pic Quip: Olivia Munn & Chris Pine
• Love Bust: Nick Cannon & Mariah Carey
• Dumpcast: Dr. "G" and Dr. "S"
• John Mayer, soothsayer
• Grading the vows: Ku + Rubin

But don’t write off this puppydog-eyed heartthrob just yet. He’s grown up and, at 32, finally beginning to grasp the complexities of love and relationships.

“Here’s what I really want to do at 32: fuck a girl and then, as she’s sleeping in bed, make breakfast for her. So she’s like, “What? You gave me five vaginal orgasms last night, and you’re making me a spinach omelet? You are the shit!” So she says, “I love this guy.” I say, “I love this girl loving me.” And then we have a problem. Because that entails instant relationship. I’m already playing house. And when I lose interest she’s going to say, “Why would you do that if you didn’t want to stick with me?” ”

Why, John? Why would you make a spinach omelet for a girl if you weren’t ready to settle down? LITD recommends last night’s pizza crust and a Zima. Breakfast of champions.

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

• Love Bust: Nick Cannon & Mariah Carey
• Pic Quip: Olivia Munn & Chris Pine
• Dumpcast: Fergie and Josh Duhamel