Posts tagged gradingthevows
Grading the Vows: Greenstein, Frasco
Highlights: a reoccurring question that haunts singles is that of ‘types’: who is my type, and where do I find him/her? Books like these pose theories, but the simple answer comes from the Times Vows section: your type is you, and the closer you can get to you, the better. The extreme case was reported here some months ago, but never has this been more true than with Greenstein and Frasco, a couple whose looks AND background are so strikingly alike that the New Jersey department of weddings and divorces demanded a DNA test to ensure the state wasn’t condoning an incestuous marriage .
Nauseating similarities: both ensconced in the Jewish New Jersey country club circuit; both Cornell grads (she only with honors! Fa!); both lawyers; both Fraternity/Sorority riff raff; both were at the same trashy spring break destination when they met.
What their kids will look like: take a guess.
Grades: Compatibility: F teacher’s comments: would you be compatible with yourself? Yes! Does that mean you should marry yourself? No!…
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Grading the vows: Levey, Friedman
Highlights: uber-Ivys with combined magnacumsummalaude and 6 degrees between them meld minds. Seems too good to be true? It is.
Troubling questions: the “H” word turns up no less than 5 times in the 5 paragraph announcement, with “Cambridge” clocking in at 2 (with Princeton thrown in once for good measure.) These brainiacs should know they are contributing to their own bubble, not unlike the one that caused the housing crisis. Thus, Harvard + Harvard + Harvard + Harvard + Harvard = romantic bankruptcy.
What their kids will look like: best case scenario: they inherit a combination of her sweet-pea and his cocky-jock. More likely: pasty New England complexions and Crimson hair.
Grades: compatibility: D - teacher comments: at first glance, two academics from such a storied institution make a fine match. But with both locked up in their ivory tower, they will lose touch with reality and slowly go insane like Iago in his prison cell. They’d be better off if one pumped gas. Longevity: D –
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Grading the vows: Finley, Abramson
Highlights: mischievous founder of popular, lucrative, profitable humor site which THIS SITE IS NOT AT ALL ENVIOUS OF IN THE LEAST BIT, NO SIR, settles down with a successful, stable older woman.
Troubling questions: with the president getting serious with someone (and therefore his life), will College Humor stay funny? Will it devolve from quality sophomoric farce to bland “couple” humor, the kind you find at (couples only) dinner parties? Let’s hope Abramson has the good sense to hand the Chief Humor Officer reins over to an unmarried person.
What their kids will look like: semi-cute. A mix between Corey Haim (him) and Madeline Stowe (her).
Grades: compatibility: D+- teacher comments: he is goofy and offbeat; she is earnest and magnanimous. Opposites attract, but on paper this doesn’t add up. Longevity: A- teacher comments: because they are so different, the chances of them driving each other nuts deep into the marriage diminish greatly. Likeability: A teacher comments: the ‘reformed rascal’ hearts ‘kindhearted French beauty’ story is just…
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Grading the Vows: Erwitt + Kaluza
Highlights: just like 98% of the extremely undiverse stories on the NY Times Vows section, this thread was spun inside the hallowed Ivy-lined walls of Columbia, when she fell for “this cute guy” with a “sexy accent” (typical!) They were put to the test when his work kept them apart, but as they explain in their video in the Times, absence made their hearts grow stronger.
Troubling questions: they got married at Bubby’s, a restaurant in the DUMBO section of Brooklyn. Tying the knot in a restaurant is always a bad choice, and Bubby’s especially has its detrators. Take for instance Kat M, a respected reviewer on Yelp:
My fiance had a Cuban sandwich which was alright. His fries were not fresh out of the frier, which one would expect for a 40 minute to prep sandwich type meal. I had Eggs Benedict over a waffle. The waffle wasn’t even as fresh as a freezer Ego out of the toaster and the eggs were almost totally cooked through (not what you…
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Grading the vows: Ku + Rubin
Highlights: love has eluded this Boston Appeals Court Judge, known to be stern-yet-fair on the bench, mainly because he’s been working so hard all his life. Think he could have achieved so much with the distraction of romance? No! Now he’s ready, and what a fine rose he’s plucked this spring.
Troubling questions: since she’s (very likely) not Jewish, and the religion goes through the woman, their kids will be relegated to the dreaded half-Jew status. Also, the Woody Allen syndrome is running strong in this one – ie. older Jewish guy marrying an Asian woman half his age. Since they’re both lawyers, their union represents the creation of a powerful Super Lawyer, which, like those giant evil robots in old sci-fi movies, can take over civilization if not controlled.
What their kids will look like: gorgeous. From her they’ll inherit perfect skin and kind disposition; from him they’ll get a stocky-athletic frame and good ol American ambition.
Grades: Compatibility: C-; Longevity: A-; Likability: B-. Final grade: C+
Bonus points: +20 if…
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Grading the Vows: Grossman, Baron
A new feature in which we grade a wedding announcement from the Sunday NY Times vows section.
Highlights: nice, genuine, down-to-earth creative media hipster types somehow find each other in Los Angeles, of all places.
Troubling questions: why did it take him till 39 to get married? Signs point to commitment issues. What is the daughter of Cambridge intellectuals doing in reality television? This indicates stifled potential and possible regret in the future.
What their kids will look like: his head is exceptionally long, while hers is quite oval. Optimistically, their off-spring will combine elements of both and have the most perfectly shaped heads, ever.
Grades: Compatibility: B+; Longevity: B-; Likability: B. Final grade: B
Bonus points: +10 for waiting until their 30s to get married.
