Posts tagged essay
Finally! Time to masturbate!
At long last! That special hour of the night has arrived – no more TV, no more reading, no more folding laundry.
It’s time to masturbate!
Some people choose to do it before showering, right after work, or even during work. Not me. I prefer to make it very last thing I do before falling asleep, serving as a reward for getting through the rigors of the day and a sort of natural sleeping pill.
Let me tell you, this path can be exceedingly difficult and takes a remarkable amount of restraint and discipline, but the reward is well worth it. You see, just as there’s a mental component to making love with a ‘real’ person, there’s a similar mind game I play with myself (ha!) which comes from holding out, all day, until the very last hours of consciousness. Thus, I estimate my orgasm is 11 – 23% better than my contemporaries who masturbate, say, before dinner.
Another benefit to this ‘finish line’ technique is you avoid the typical post-masturbation loneliness and depression, simply…
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What the health care bill means for singles
The historical passing of the health care bill will change the lives of many people, but one group in particular will feel its impact like no other – single people. Since they are the focus of this publication, I feel impelled to reach out to them in this forum and explain a bit how they will be affected by this momentous bill passing.
1. STD testing – single people lead every category of sexual promiscuity: one night stands; unprotected sex; ‘experimental’ sex; sexual ‘vacations’ to far of lands; even sexual events such as snugglefests. No surprise, they lead in STDs, which go untreated because they don’t have adequate insurance. Thanks to the health care bill, this is no longer the case.
2. Access to vanity doctors – the bill now allows ample access to doctors who will do away with unsightly blemishes that might be adversely affecting your dating life. Moles. Birthmarks. Large noses. Small breasts. Marginal eyelashes. Every single single person across the country can get these things fixed cheaply, and safely.
3. Cheaper…
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The web: rabbit hole for effeminate straight men?
It’s 7 pm on a Wednesday evening at Wilfie and Nell in the West Village. To my left is John, my internet date for the evening. He’s explaining something, and he’s excited. Arms flailing, wrists flicking, voice rising and falling in dramatic fashion. And I think, my God, not again. Not another effeminate straight guy posing as an urban lumberjack.
Truth be told, I have something of a fetish for the urban lumberjack, defined as anyone over 6′0 tall, wears flannel, has a beard/scruff/tattoo(s), can fix things, and voted for Hillary in the primaries. Combined, these elements paint a portrait of pure virility, sex and man. But John, with his flailing limbs and summer ale, is about as far from the desired U.L. as one can possibly be, bringing me to my thesis, which is more a warning to women looking for love online: beware the effeminate straight man posing as something very different.
The reason is fairly obvious: given the opportunity to reshape your persona into something a little more, er, appealing…
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From the editor’s throne
Let’s begin with a quote from Raymond Carver:
“We are, all of us, abominably human. We are broken and we are flawed and even we ourselves barely recognize the degree to which this is true. And Love is this concept that, in its platonic ideal form, makes over other people and conceals those flaws and convinces us for brief moments that, Hey, perhaps this Other is not so flawed, is not broken, is not abominably just-like-me. And then we realize they are; and then they realize we are. But sometimes it’s just nice to be broken and flawed with someone. And it’s nice to have someone to get fucked up on bourbon and fall asleep half-naked on the couch with. And sometimes it’s nice to just pretend we’re not so flawed and broken and abominable. And it’s this concept of Love that is the problem, after all. We are broken and flawed and we created a broken and flawed concept because we have brains able to dream of things beyond ourselves and to imagine the…
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