Posts tagged datingdohnt
Dating Doh!nt: online edition – ‘model’ pictures
Ok, listen. I have something to tell you, and won’t be easy. Please, take a seat. You should not be on your feet when I break this news, for it could shake your very foundation – what you’ve built your whole life upon – and send you reeling onto the cold, hard cement. Are you ready? Here goes. You are not a model.
Harsh, but true – you are just kind of ordinary looking like the rest of us. So do tell, why is your online dating profile filled with such ‘model’ type shots? Oh, your photographer friend Ron took them for his portfolio. And you want to put your ‘best foot forward’. Well let me tell you something. When your date sees that your best foot is, in real life, not nearly as hot as it was in the professional model shot, but in fact is kind of mangled and nasty, there’s gonna be trouble. When they see that your perfectly feathered hair in the picture actually has thick flakes of dandruff, you’ll be…
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Why it’s not a good idea to use writing as a pick-up gimmick
I am not a writer, but I often play one in bars. That is to say, sometimes I bring my notebook to drinking establishments and “write” in the hopes of generating interest from a fellow patron (hopefully female), who might inquire into the content of my scribbles.
Scribbles is the key word here – I have practiced the art of illegible chicken scratch lest they see the empty words and discover my fraudulent scheme. Ambiguity is mystery, and that’s what I’m going for. This works better in Los Angeles than in most other cities, because the only writers there are movie writers, and are therefore glamorous and rich as apposed to the lonely, broke, and socially awkward “print” set that resides largely in New York and other depressing cities like Vancouver.
So whenever I’m in L.A. I always bring a notebook fresh stocked with hand crafted scribble and make my way to the singles bar. It’s a crude analogy, but the practice is not unlike fishing.
Yet my most recent trip was a troubling…
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Dating Doh!nt: online edition – pictures of you kayaking
Hello potential soul mate for life! What do you think of this picture of me, paddling the tranquil waters of the Pacific in my kayak? I included this photo because it displays an important side of me – the outdoorsy, nature-loving side. And if you didn’t notice (shame on you if you didn’t), this picture came immediately after the one of me boozing in a trendy lounge, which is testament to my versatile personality. You see, I am just as comfortable sitting on my ass in this plastic vessel as I am sitting on my ass at the opera. I can rock aqua socks or ten inch hooker heels. I can navigate the Briney deep in the morning, as I’m doing here, and a Reseda shopping mall in the afternoon.
What’s that? You don’t like my life jacket? My personal flotation device (PFD)? Well, I will have you know that I can slip off a foamy PFD just as easily as I can a silky camisole. You see, I’m a chameleon – at home in…
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Vintage dating rules for wimmin
I’m guessing this book needs an update, and I think LITD is the one to do so. Suggestions?
Dating Doh!nt: online edition – pictures of you with a wineglass
Oh! Hi. Looks like you caught me in a “casual” moment, just having a drop or two of wine. You see, I like to unwind after a long day at work, and well, a glass of Merlot is how I like to do it. Did you know it’s pronounced “Merlow”? I didn’t know that until yesterday. Crazy Spanish words! Anyway, I’m choosing this picture for my main “profile” shot on disHarmony.com, because it gets to the essence of who I am – a raging alcoholic. Yes sir! It begins with elegance, as I sip the grape and enjoy some cheese. After the bottle’s drained, I begin to slur. How do I know I’m slurring, if I’m all alone and not talking to anyone? Because I’m talking to my cat, Mr. LittleFiddleSticks. I’m telling him about my day.
Second bottle of Merlow is corked, and I’m a disaster. Mainly because I shouldn’t mix alcohol with these antianxiety meds. But who cares! Nobody listens to those “warnings” anyway! Oh gosh, maybe I should have something more to…
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List-less: 12 Things Not To Say In Bed
Post-coital moments are so precious – both of you laying together, perhaps spooning, two hearts beating as one. And then someone says something REALLY stupid, and those moments of bliss suddenly turn sinister. Doubts and fears creep into your garden of Eden. Why did you say that? Keep this handy list of things not to say in bed by your night-table so you don’t.
1. [Pointing to a weird discoloration near your genitals] Does this look normal to you?
2. Wow! This is fun!
3. Do you accept Visa?
4. Is that smell coming from you or me?
5. How long do you think this will take?
6. You woke me up for that?
7. On second thought, maybe we should turn off the lights
8. So I saw this move in a movie once. You wanna try?
9. You remind me of someone…
10. Awww, its so cute!
11. Eh, you know what? I’m actually not feeling this…
12. That was so….professional.
Dating Doh!ts: online edition
Situation:
You’ve written someone, and they have not written back for awhile (more than 3 days), which means they are not interested and therefore will not write back, ever.
Tempting thought:
Maybe they didn’t get your message (spam etc), or were really busy and just missed it.
Dating Doh!nt:
You write a ‘follow up’ note, either asking if they got your note or just attempting to restart a dead engine.
Result:
You appear even more pathetic than before; loss of pride; diminished confidence.
In the future:
Take the hit like a man/woman and move on.
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