Posts tagged breakup
Introducing the Astrological Hodge Podge with Malibu Mona
In this series, Malibu Mona – a REAL mystic who has worked with Brian Wilson, Phil Spector and Mandy Patinkin, amongst others – analyzes your love conundrums based on the exact time and day of the couple’s birth. This is the real shit people, and we are lucky to have her! Have a perplexing situation for her to figure out? Send them to matt at loveinthedumps.com
- .ed
Dear Malibu Mona,
My girlfriend of 5 years just dumped me on my ass. Worse, I just found out she’s been sleeping with my next door neighbor for over a year, a guy we had over for dinner every Friday. It’s like a plot from some terrible porno – me watching the game from the next room, and them – Jesus I can’t even think about it without bursting into tears! Help me Mona!!
My birthday: October 22, 1968, 2:36 AM California
Her birthday: August 8, 1968
— Perplexed in Midtown
Dear Perplexed, You didn’t mention her birth time, but we’ll just assume she was
Click to continue reading
A watched pot eventually boils
You just know it’s gonna end. It’s just got to. Soon. And when it does you’ll be there. You might be a rebound, but Dennis Rodman made a pretty good career pulling 8 of those down a game. Perservere, friend. Persevere.
Simple advice for simply miserable relationships
If there’s one thing I learned from past relationships, it’s this — if it sucks, break the hell up.
Like many people, I’ve been a sucker for long, tumultuous relationships. It’s a real testament to my senseless, spineless fear of being alone.
Call me jaded, but if sucks, kill it. Be done with it. Slay the misery. And face your loneliness. Take up scrapbooking, mountain climbing or Scientology.
Because the last time I got stuck in a bad relationship, I ended up pouring my heart out to the same friends month after month, elaborating on the same problems over and over again.
It doesn’t matter who you’re dating, and what the issue is. He has a gambling problem — two months later — he still has a gambling problem. He has a small dick — two months later — he’s still just a mere four inches. He doesn’t make love to you anymore — two months later — your vibrator breaks down.
People never change.
The sooner you learn and accept this gospel truth, the…
Click to continue reading
You (got no more) mail!
One of the worst parts about breaking-up is the sudden drop-off of fun, playful emails that made the day go by faster.
Friday Photo-Comix
Welcome to Ani-Comix theater, a regular feature in which we play out scenes, ideas or whatever else we feel like in a graphic novel type of format. This week it’s The Things, concerning reminders found in the mundane after a breakup (advance images w arrows on bottom)
Study proves break-ups affect things and stuff
Erica Slotter, lead author in the race to late night infomercial fame, recently published a controversial study on the taboo topic of break-ups. This contentious research supports a radical new school of thought that “a break up can make people feel like they don’t know who they are anymore”. Can this be true?
Sighting hacked blogs and hijacked diaries as sources, Slotter claims increased usage of key words like, “confused”, “feelings”, and “chunky monkey”.
A compelling research study involving over 9 respondents further supports this seditious claim, with participants admitting to “a moderate change in their belief system, their appearance, and even their values”. When asked to elaborate, one respondent stated, “The Deuce is back!” while another simply proffered his finger to be smelled.
This powerful new insight into the fragility of human identity has made waves in the scientific and astrological community alike. LITD will continue to monitor the inevitable shockwaves that are sure to follow such a monumental piece of scientific brilliance.
Sausage Links – comprised of questionable web stuffs
Wednesday’s theme is: slimy animal reproduction. Slug sex to the left, and, here, sea horse reproduction. I suggest you cue up some epic music for this. Ladies: next time you start cursing the male gender, remember the Seahorse. Okay? Even though they make it look easy, those males put in hard work. March 11 is National Seahorse day–I suggest you stock up on apparel.
- The worst is when you ticklefight with yourself. It should also be noted that Senator Massa loves to hire Throw Pillows.
- What a shit cheese-eating grin on this man’s face. Next time I want a woman to make me food? “The breast is there to make food.”
- I want definitive answers as to whether or not this is fake. I’ll still love you anyway, whether or not you house a soul.
- Breakup song of the day: “Magnolia” By JJ Cale.
- Gratuitous Jack Handy Quote: “On the other hand, we have different fingers.”
