Posts tagged booze
The ‘how did you meet’ correlation graph
Lately, a big deal has been made about the way in which people meet. Women especially, it seems, want a good “how we met” story to package their marriage in something remarkable, or at least special. But what is the reality behind the circumstances of how people meet and the quality/success-rate of their marriage? This seemed an interesting question for LITD, who polled four couples nationwide regarding their marriage quality/longevity and how it related to their initial meeting. The results were staggering.
First, the dark end of the spectrum. We might think schoolyard and childhood sweethearts are the stuff of storybooks, since they always seem to last so long. Indeed, we found, they DO last long, but the quality of their marriage is dismal – they know each other so well that they almost look through each other, and walk through life together in a sort of dismal daze. The biggest surprise were the couples who were introduced by their mother – these not only represented the most miserable marriages, but also lasted the…
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Why it’s not a good idea to use writing as a pick-up gimmick
I am not a writer, but I often play one in bars. That is to say, sometimes I bring my notebook to drinking establishments and “write” in the hopes of generating interest from a fellow patron (hopefully female), who might inquire into the content of my scribbles.
Scribbles is the key word here – I have practiced the art of illegible chicken scratch lest they see the empty words and discover my fraudulent scheme. Ambiguity is mystery, and that’s what I’m going for. This works better in Los Angeles than in most other cities, because the only writers there are movie writers, and are therefore glamorous and rich as apposed to the lonely, broke, and socially awkward “print” set that resides largely in New York and other depressing cities like Vancouver.
So whenever I’m in L.A. I always bring a notebook fresh stocked with hand crafted scribble and make my way to the singles bar. It’s a crude analogy, but the practice is not unlike fishing.
Yet my most recent trip was a troubling…
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Reason #1 (guys): you’ve been sissified
You field whiny texts from your gal pals when some “crush” they like won’t call them back. You find yourself drinking with groups of girls and talking about the nuances of relationships. Maybe you go shopping with them, or get pulled into watching a rom-com on a rainy afternoon.
This would all be fine except for one thing: you are a straight, single dude. You’ve been sissified, and what happens when you’re sissified? Your body stops emitting the chemical necessary to attract women. “But LITD,” you protest, “women like a guy who’s in touch with his feminine side and has lots of gal pals, because he’ll better understand where she’s coming from.” Naw, man. They like only a small portion of that girlie stuff in their guy, like between 5 – 7%, max. You’ve crossed the threshold and reside in sissyland, driving a Sissy200, and soon will be reading books like Eat Pray and Love, or even Marry Him.
The solution: go out with the guys, watch some sports, do Yaeger shots,…
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Overlooked pick-up spots: The Airport
In this series, the hilarious /insightful Beth Alice Cook exposes overlooked locales for meeting your soul mate 4 eva. – .ed
If you are not trying to meet potential mates at the airport, you are missing out. Here are 5 reasons why airports are S-E-X-Y and what you can be doing to maximize your chances at travel romance.
1. Uniformed officers, strict procedures, rules/regulations, and foreign machinery set the scene: S&M for the Masses. You check your agency when you check your bag. From then on, you are at the whim of those in control. Enjoy it! (When else can you just leave things completely up to other people?)
2. Now it’s time for I Spy at Security. You are playing the game and are also part of the game. People everywhere are undressing in pre-coital fashion, removing shoes, jackets, jewelry and the like. Everyone is checking everyone out, while TSA officers peep personal belongings with electromagnetic x-ray waves. Voyeurism is H-O-T-T. Go to the line with the cutest people and keep an eye out…
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You (don’t) booze, you (might) lose
Not to be insensitive to those with ‘alcohol issues’, but we all know the challenges of dating someone who doesn’t drink. Especially in the beginning.
Video in the Dumps: Will Ferrell, third date
This is a good lesson for the fellas – it’s not the size or smell of your apartment, but the quality of the wine that makes all the difference.
What to expect if you date: a New Yorker
Good points: more fun than a barrel full of monkeys; extremely romantic setting a la Woody Allen movies; great places to eat and booze; sex in public places (it’s basically legal and tolerated in NY); highly (sometimes over) educated; strong ‘cool’ factor one inherits by living in NYC (not counting Staten Island); good chance they make good money, though this point is nullified by New York City taxes.
Bad points: you have a choice – cocaine addict, alcoholic, or recovering addict. Throw workaholic into the mix and you’re looking at a fairly undateable individual. Resting their laurels on the over-quoted statistic that there’s more single women than men, NY guys have a palpable smugness to them. This nurtures a distrustful cynicism in women, creating a cold war situation not unlike Khrushchev / Kennedy circa 1963. The New York dating battlefield is fraught with landmines on both sides, and like a Marine at war, the chances of something blowing up in your face are quite good. Also, they’ll either have roommates or live in a shoebox.…
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Dating Doh!nt: online edition – pictures of you with a wineglass
Oh! Hi. Looks like you caught me in a “casual” moment, just having a drop or two of wine. You see, I like to unwind after a long day at work, and well, a glass of Merlot is how I like to do it. Did you know it’s pronounced “Merlow”? I didn’t know that until yesterday. Crazy Spanish words! Anyway, I’m choosing this picture for my main “profile” shot on disHarmony.com, because it gets to the essence of who I am – a raging alcoholic. Yes sir! It begins with elegance, as I sip the grape and enjoy some cheese. After the bottle’s drained, I begin to slur. How do I know I’m slurring, if I’m all alone and not talking to anyone? Because I’m talking to my cat, Mr. LittleFiddleSticks. I’m telling him about my day.
Second bottle of Merlow is corked, and I’m a disaster. Mainly because I shouldn’t mix alcohol with these antianxiety meds. But who cares! Nobody listens to those “warnings” anyway! Oh gosh, maybe I should have something more to…
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Recipe for disaster? Just add wine and meds.
It was one of those Internet dates you keep putting off because of the vague premonition of doom surrounding it. Deep in your gut you know it will be a waste of time. But like a gambler throwing down his jack of hearts in the hopes of winning a big hand, you force yourself to do it. Because as anyone who’s done it knows, Internet dating plays upon our weaknesses and addictive nature. It taps our desire to get something for nothing, seduces us with adrenaline rushes from the extreme highs, and taunts us with the carrot of a big reward for small risk. So I threw on some designer jeans, doused myself with nauseating cologne I stole from my 12 year old nephew and stepped out into the crisp New York autumn, rolling the dice once again.
I staked my claim at the bar and ordered a Chilean Carmenere; she arrived five minutes later. Cute by most standards, and definitely cute enough for me, she ordered a Merlot. Our glasses clink, signaling the starting…
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Bottom 5 Ways to Impress Men (for women)
We all know that meeting men is not easy, unless you are a super model or a urologist. But with strategic planning, you can maximize your opportunities to meet men. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus and yaddah yaddah yaddah, but actually that’s a lie. We’re all from planet Zoran. Duh.
1. At a bar, always have a beer in hand. It shows that you are low-maintenance and have something in common with the majority of the male population.
2. Mention some hyper-masculine topics of interest within the first few minutes of talking to a man. Some possibilities are: WWE, Sports!, the time you visited the Heineken brewery in Amsterdam, youporn.com vs. youjizz.com, what the big deal is with Rob Pattinson, cars etc.
3. Find out what teams your man likes and buy the gear. Or if you’re trying to meet men in general buy 32 NFL jerseys, corresponding to the 32 NFL teams. Other gear to invest in includes hats with beer logos, white jeans (men like white jeans – don’t…
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