1. At a bar, always have a beer in hand. It shows that you are low-maintenance and have something in common with the majority of the male population.

2. Mention some hyper-masculine topics of interest within the first few minutes of talking to a man. Some possibilities are: WWE, Sports!, the time you visited the Heineken brewery in Amsterdam, youporn.com vs. youjizz.com, what the big deal is with Rob Pattinson, cars etc.

3. Find out what teams your man likes and buy the gear. Or if you’re trying to meet men in general buy 32 NFL jerseys, corresponding to the 32 NFL teams. Other gear to invest in includes hats with beer logos, white jeans (men like white jeans – don’t ask why – they just do), mardi gras beads…

4. Take up golfing. This is a male-centric sport. It’s kinda lazy and boring but the the 19th hole is a lot of fun. Bonus: golfers are usually rich. Other good sports to take up include karate, boxing, soccer, softball, beer pong.

5. Switch up your look. Men like versatility. They want the librarian some days and the sexy bombshell other days. They want the girl-next-door sometimes and the glamorous socialite other times. Use this to your advantage. If you have glasses, wear them occasionally. If you usually wear your hair up, let it down every now and then. I am not saying become a schizophrenic, bi-polar Annie Wilkes, but just play with different looks.

Most importantly, be confident and feel sexy.

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• How White People Date: Chapter 2

1. You hiking, ice climbing, or doing some other activity that involves sweat and B.O. Ok, it’s cool that you’re into nature, but sweaty pits are the last thing one wants as a first impression.

2. You with your parents. Unless your parents are insanely hot, it’s not a good idea to show someone what you’ll look like in twenty or so years.

3. You at work. Hey! It’s me, under florescent lights, in my depressing cubicle where my ass is getting fatter by the day!

4. You taking a cell phone picture of yourself. No matter how good you think you are, these shots are always weird. Your eyes are looking to the far right, and your smile is askew and awkward.

5. Professional head shots. No matter how good they are, these pictures just come off as cheesy and narcissistic. However, if you’re a cheesy, narcissitic person, this might be a good way to go.

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1. Hang with the Hares – chanting, singing, robes, long ponytails on dudes…couples won’t come near a Hare Krishna gathering with a ten foot pole, which is exactly where you should be.

2. Have an 8 hour call with your mother – how long since you had a marathon conversation with your mom? Usually you’re too busy to field her incessant, prying questions, but now you can get a year’s worth of mom time in one day.

3. Get back together with an Ex for One Day – this equals all day sex and meals in bed. Which equals beating Valentine’s Day at it’s own game.

4. Fly to Australia – not only is it summer over there, but it’s also a 24 hour flight, which means you’ll wake up and it’ll be the 15^th. Woot!

5. Don’t wake up – this is the easiest one: party till 9 or 10 in the am, sleep till 9. Eat a Trader Joe’s burrito, wash it down with scotch. Catch 60 Minutes then back to bed with you!

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But he was an asshole.  Face it ladies, all cats are, even the girl ones.  Which is why it is time for you all to face facts: no matter what we say to women of the world, us boys do not like your cats. Whats that, you say? Every boy you’ve ever brought home has said he liked Mr. Fluffykins?  You can’t possibly be that naive.  He was trying to get to your kitty through your pussy.

Boys don’t like cats. Case in point, you’ve never met one who owns one who wasn’t at least a bit… off.  Cats don’t even like cats.  What, you have two?  Maybe they’ll put on a little pussy-on-pussy show to get a treat, but the minute your back is turned sister, it’s all fur and fangs, and not in a good way.

Take the case of Nina and Roscoe. Nina and I dated pretty seriously a few years back, and it looked for a while like it might go somewhere, but there was one sticky wicket: Roscoe the Wonder Kitty. Ok, there were a few more issues than just the most evil cat that has ever walk the face of the Earth, but the cat definitely became the focus of conflict and eventual break-up for one simple reason: Roscoe the Wonder Kitty was trying to kill me.

You can call me paranoid or irrational, god knows that Nina did, but when a fifty pound cat tries night after night to climb onto your head and sleep directly on your nose and mouth, NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, something is up, the animal has a PLAN.  I mean that bald spot on the tummy you like so much to stroke (lets not even DISCUSS what I think about all the petting and stroking that comes along with you, cutie little kittie… oh fuck! now the kitty witty baby voice is in my head), he tried to use it to make a skin tight seal, and in doing so deprive me the ability to breathe.

Roscoe didn’t want to share his mommy with me, and to be honest, I felt the same way. So the choice was to go after Roscoe myself (solely in self defense) or let the girl go.  It quickly became obvious that there would be no compromise. I’ll never tell which one lasted longer. But suffice it to say there are two ways to parse the term “Cat Food”

Ladies, lets face it: men at best tolerate your cats.  But the fact that you have them just smacks of despair, loneliness, and impending spinsterhood.  Watching you shower all that affection on something that is congenitally unable of returning your affections, and which blatantly and oh-so obviously holds you in contempt just lets me know that I’ll be able to get away with anything so long as I rub up against you now and again.

I think if we were all really honest about this cats and humans thing, we would see that our two species don’t get along all that well, and maybe it’s time to make the mature decision and go our separate ways.

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Dr. Damage understands this conundrum well. In fact, he just received an email from a perplexed reader (are there any other kind on this site?) who suggested that the Doctor’s vocabulary and approach to language was “overwrought.” This comment sent the Doctor into a slight tailspin because, like many of his devoted readers, he, too, is delicately constituted and, perhaps, maybe even a little overwrought.

Okay, but let’s focus. This is your problem and we’re going to solve it in 300 words or less, or my publisher will have my ass. In your constant need to impress, or drive away, potential dates by using big words, do you think there is some sort of compensation going on? For instance, do you think that you like to use big words because there are size problems in other aspects of your life? Let’s start with your apartment, your car, & your stock portfolio? All suitably sized? Maybe there are other undersized things that you might be compensating for or diverting attention from. And in this instance, the Doctor is not talking about your amygdala. We realize that these are tough issues, but the Doctor no longer consults w/ those who lead unexamined lives. He is too old for that. Take a hard look in the mirror, Jack.

You need to start w/ an uncompromising self-evaluation. Though mundane, start with a simple list. You know, plusses and minuses. Honestly inventory your shortcomings (stop at three pages, that’s enough), and then make another list of your personal strengths, because this is where we want to concentrate in this session. Any potential mate wants a partner w/ self-confidence, who has obvious and immediate socially desirable attributes that can be displayed like peacock feathers to her friends and, eventually, to her mother. Please believe me, the Doctor knows a little bit about this. He has had two mothers-in-law for 25 years.

Once you have a better understanding of the many and various things about yourself that make you attractive to potential partners, the need to overuse big words will diminish, the Doctor predicts. We would recommend that you keep Elements of Style, by Strunck & White, in your back pocket. There, their advice is plain, “Do not be tempted by a twenty-dollar word when there is a ten-center handy, ready and able.” While the Doctor would agree that their mission was not helping to build relationships, it’s still pretty good advice in general. After all, if your date wanted a word maven, she’d be chasing William Safire or Will Shortz, not you. Not all potential partners want to be intellectually steamrolled. And those that would consider it would probably prefer soft restraints anyway.

In your self-evaluation, it’s critically important to emphasize honesty. Don’t oversell your past. The tendency to reinvent yourself for each new potential love interest inevitably leads to problems, the Great Gatsby notwithstanding. The Doctor has learned this from his own impressive catalog of mistakes. Once you make it far enough into a relationship, you’ll find that there is inconvenience that attends these long-term, committed arrangements; sooner or later, she will meet your friends and family and they will not recall your glory days quite the same way as you have recounted them to her. Facts are stubborn things. The Doctor’s fictionalized youthful athletic achievements have been reduced to their proper place over the past several decades by those he thought to be friends. What the Doctor has learned from these youthful transgressions is that your partner doesn’t really care whether you were the MVP of your Little League team or the “all purpose yards” leader at your wussy little prep school; she would rather that you act interested at breakfast when she tells you about the things that she plans to do that day, and that you even ask her a question that shows you were actually listening.

In closing, we would recommend that you stifle the impulse to solve the NY Times Sunday crossword in a sitting, or crush all comers at Scrabble. Word bullies are all together too common nowadays, especially w/ Google and Wikipedia so handy. Any woman in her right mind nowadays would rather throw herself naked at the guy who will vacuum her living room and empty her dishwasher than the guy who can spell “antidisestablishmentarianism.”  — DD

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This is the kind of case that a Doctor just loves to delve into. First, it seems quite obvious that your professional curiosity in the psychology of intimacy is interfering with what ought to be the primary mission of dating- to find a person with whom you are emotionally, spiritually, and physically compatible. If you think nailing all three of those in a relationship is too much too expect at first, most men would gladly settle for the physical part while leaving room for the spiritual / emotional way down the road.

Habits that you have developed in your dating will not be easy to overcome. What has served you well in your professional life — the ability to ask deep, uncomfortable questions and to draw unintelligible and pedantic conclusions to intimidate your clients then making them pay for these services — simply does not work as well when starting relationships. It’s like if you went on a first date with A-Rod and he asked you to pitch batting practice for him so he can see what kind of fast ball and change up you had, before you even looked at the wine list. Somehow, you’ll have to subordinate the compulsion to make men lay bare their souls on the first date. Generally, the doctor would hazard that most are in fact ready to lay bare on the first date, just not their souls.

Let me make a couple of practical suggestions. Start in a safe place; improve your percentages. Before you go, memorize a couple of little known facts about American professional sports (triple doubles, yards after catch, on-base percentage). Then, casually ask him what his favorite sport is. The law of averages says it will either be football, baseball, or basketball. Then, bingo! Recite your memorized facts. If it’s not one of those three sports, or, god forbid he’s not a sports fan, you may have to go to Plan B and and ask him about the size of his amygdala (just kidding, more on that below). Knowing a woman can talk about sports will have him saying to himself, Man, she’s smart and she knows about the Pittsburgh Steelers. I wonder what she looks like when she takes those smart girl glasses off.

Remember, intimacy is built in small steps, and at the outset it is frequently advisable to resort to pure and base manipulation. Sometimes you just have to feign interest and intrigue at his collection of vintage Les Paul Gibsons (even though he can’t play them), his home brewing set up in the kitchen, and how darned good he is at X-Box (oh my!) The good thing is that most men are not smart enough to know they’re being manipulated, but we’ll get to that in another column.

Lastly, though the Doctor would admit that knowing the size of a man’s amygdala is a terribly important question (and surely a gal as smart as you must by now know that old saw- if he has large thumbs, he’ll most likely have a big amygdala), it is probably best to wait on that question until at least a year has passed, by which time you’ll likely have been able to intuit its size. And, as a mental health professional, you must continue to remind yourself: it ain’t the meat, it’s the emotion.

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Dr. Damage, who throws nickels around like manhole covers, sees your problem in chiefly economic, as opposed to romantic, terms. If the Doctor were Larry Summers, he’d say you are robbing Peter and robbing Paul, too. In this way, you’re a little like Bernie Madoff, but without polo ponies. But we digress. We see some hope here- by purloining only $20 per visit rather than your ex’s credit card or a c-note, we see restraint and, we dare say, responsibility in your actions. Plus, unless you’re not telling the whole truth, the fact that you are not making surreptitious withdrawals from your new boyfriend is cause for hope. Because, as the good Doctor learned in medical school (he paid attention in this class), it is really up to your boyfriend to make additional withdrawals, if you know what we mean.

As you note, these are hard economic times that require extraordinary measures. Some would suggest that you broaden your revenue-producing activities by involving yet another unwitting former boyfriend. But the Doctor would advise against this. He has been in the unwitting seat before, and would not wish it upon any other males who are as dumb as he was as a young man. To fashion a plan to get back down to one boyfriend at a time, as this is the only sustainable arrangement going forward, the Doctor suggests that rather than spending the ill-gotten gains on things that you don’t really need, that you invest 50% of it in troubled assets and credit-default swaps which are risky (but not more so than having two relationships and stealing from one of the suckers), and the rest in bonds and T-bills. Naturally, as you approach retirement, you’d probably want to adjust those investment ratios, but if you’re sleeping w/ two men now, the Doctor surmises that you’re still a few years away from the dreaded AARP discounts. — DD

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Part I: Pre-Date Tunes

There’s a lot to be said for mental preparation. Rather than just wandering aimlessly from one situation in life to the next, feel free to take a few moments to focus on the matter at hand. You’ve got a date tonight, so presumably you’ll be taking a shower, choosing an outfit, combing your hair, all that good stuff, and you’ll need some music to listen to in the process. The right selection here can put you in the ideal state of mind for romantic success. The wrong one can set the stage for disaster. Avoid anything too deep or dark, anything that reminds you of ex-girlfriends or personal failure of any kind. Keep it light, upbeat, but not over the top. This is not the time for the “Rocky” theme or AC/DC’s “Hell’s Bells.” Satanic imagery is not good for the pre-date psyche. We’re looking for something that reinforces the required self-image: suave, debonair, laid back but totally in charge. That’s you. Here are five musical suggestions (in reverse order) that can help take you there:

5. The Eagles – Key Songs: “Peaceful, Easy Feeling”; “Take it Easy.”

Music snobs may look down on the Eagles, but these guys can serve you well in small doses. Sure, you’re a bit nervous for the big date – we can almost see the wheels turning upstairs as you play out potential scenarios in the shower. Perfectly natural, but hey, “Take It Easy.” Let Obi-Wan Don Henley remind you: “Don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.” Close your eyes, picture yourself standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona, and there’s that girl/guy, my lord, in a flatbed Ford, slowin’ down to take a look at you. That’s how hot you are. Feel the power. “Peaceful Easy Feeling” is packed with relevant insight here as well. We all found out a long time ago what a wo/man can do to your soul. Ah, but s/he can’t take you anyway you don’t already know how to go. Just remember, there’s no way your date can let you down – you’re already standing on the ground.

4. Bob Marley – Key Song: “Three Little Birds.”

Three little birds upon your doorstep. What could possibly be wrong with that? Answer: Nothing. “Don’t worry about a thing, cause every little thing…is gonna be alright.” Nobody conjures up the pure joy of stress-free living like Bob. One caveat: Avoid the temptation to spark up a joint. Otherwise you may spend the majority of your night smiling and nodding while having no idea what your date is talking about. Or self-consciously wondering about that offhand comment s/he made about your shirt. Does s/he not like your shirt? What did s/he really mean by that? Lay off the dope and just soak up those positive Marley vibrations. Now go out on your date and sing sweet songs of melodies pure and true.

3. Steely Dan – Key Song: “Babylon Sisters.”

In college we referred to this as the EDT’s. Easy Drinking Tunes. It works equally well in the pre-dating context. Just pop in “Decade of Steely Dan,” let it play through, and you’ll be in good hands. Not only does the music strike up an ideal pre-date mental image of hedonistic good times, but, in “Babylon Sisters,” you’re provided with a ready-made visualization (particularly for those on the left coast): “Drive west on Sunset to the sea. Turn that jungle music down. Just until we’re out of town. This is no one night stand, it’s a real occasion. Close your eyes and you’ll be there. It’s everything they say. The end of a perfect day. Distant lights from across the bay.” And if there’s an age gap in play, who cares if your date don’t know Aretha Franklin? Just have her take you along when she slides on down.

2. Sinatra – Key Song: “Summer Wind.”

Now we’re venturing into the rarefied air of pre-date listening. Not only does Sinatra’s music take you where you need to be, but the man himself personifies what we’re going for. Much as we like the Eagles, you’re not gonna wanna head out for your date picturing yourself as a latter-day Don Henley. Marley was great, but unless you’re a dread-locked chronic pot smoker from Jamaica it may be hard to work the Marley persona into your repertoire. Steely Dan? Cool enough, but a tad dorky. Francis Albert Sinatra. Now that’s someone you can channel as you head off into the night. All swagger and attitude. Warmth and romance without an ounce of sentimentality. Feeling a little pre-date anxiety? Fix yourself a nice martini and let it drift away with the warm Summer Wind. Now go out and do it your way.

1. Joao Gilberto & Stan Getz – Key Song: “Girl from Ipanema.”

Stan Getz may not be as hip as Sinatra, but he’s plenty hip himself. More than close enough to suit our purposes here. Start off with “Girl From Ipanema” and let it go from there. Soak it in. The Brazilian bossa nova. A sublime dose of Latin romance. The musical personification of cool. This music is so cool that anyone who listens to it automatically becomes cool. It’s impossible not to. Picture yourself negotiating your date like a Getz sax solo: effortless, mysterious, self-assured, playful, timelessly sexy.

Coming Soon:

Part II: Setting the Tone/Establishing Identity: Music in the Car/On the Date

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