Tight Banana
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Posts by Tight Banana
Abstinence, sex marathons and cigarettes: the strangely awesome world of Arabian dating
Ramadan Kareem! As many of you know, the holiest month of the Islamic calendar has arrived, and what better time than now for me to do some Arab-bashing?
Before you disapprove me with your political correctness, let me clarify that I do in fact love Arab men. I live in the Middle East, and I eat, play, date and fuck among Arab circles. With great pleasure, too, may I add.
But maybe because it’s Ramadan (a month I automatically dislike because it calls on Muslims to abstain from sex!), or maybe it’s just me. When entering a relationship with an Arab man — especially a Muslim one — a word of caution is warranted.
Sure, many of them are hot, great in bed and treat women like gold, but they can also be rather schizophrenic as lovers. Here are some observations from personal experience:
1.) Hot and Cold Affection
One minute, you are an Arabian princess. He drives you around, calls you his girlfriend in front of his friends. Buys you presents and…
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Loins yearnin’ on the road? There’s not an app for that.
I love traveling. And I love my iPhone. In almost every situation, the two go so well together– like chocolate and banana, or handcuffs and bedposts.
So naturally, I’ve ditched the laptop when going on trips. Why, with the built-in Wifi and all the amazing apps, I will never miss a Facebook “like” or NPR’s Fresh Air podcast even for a day. Not to mention the added bonus of Angry Birds, especially at the airport.
It’s amazing, but there’s just one flaw. And that’s porn.
I’ve been on the road for the past three weeks, blazing through Europe from Istanbul to London (still two more destinations to go).
Now porn is one of those things you don’t want to check out at the airport steel computer station, or at the shared computer at a hostel, or your couch-providing friend’s laptop. Imagine how awkward!
So you are pretty much stuck with the iPhone.
Besides dealing with all the Flash limitations and navigation and maneuver issues, the wireless mobile content also proves to suck a big…
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Dating and the asian white guy
Earlier this summer, I had an opportunity to visit an exotic country in the Middle East.
When I broke the news to my family, the first thing my grandmother said was, “So you’re going to get even darker!”
Forget “won’t you need to wear a head veil?” Or the ever popular, “what about the terrorists?” The utmost important thing in her mind was, holy cow, my dark-skinned grand-daughter is going to get even darker, and nobody is going to want to marry her, not even a Saudi!
I, like millions of Asians, are born with a warmer tone of skin. Makeup foundations named “tan” or “Sahara” seem to fit my face just dandy.
For most white folks, that’s called beauty. Every day, silly white girls and guys all over North America visit tanning salons, lather themselves with sketchy chemicals, bathe hours on a beach and risk skin cancer just so they don’t have to look like a corpse. They do, anyway, or end up looking like a massive piece of cowhide, but whatever makes them…
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Simple advice for simply miserable relationships
If there’s one thing I learned from past relationships, it’s this — if it sucks, break the hell up.
Like many people, I’ve been a sucker for long, tumultuous relationships. It’s a real testament to my senseless, spineless fear of being alone.
Call me jaded, but if sucks, kill it. Be done with it. Slay the misery. And face your loneliness. Take up scrapbooking, mountain climbing or Scientology.
Because the last time I got stuck in a bad relationship, I ended up pouring my heart out to the same friends month after month, elaborating on the same problems over and over again.
It doesn’t matter who you’re dating, and what the issue is. He has a gambling problem — two months later — he still has a gambling problem. He has a small dick — two months later — he’s still just a mere four inches. He doesn’t make love to you anymore — two months later — your vibrator breaks down.
People never change.
The sooner you learn and accept this gospel truth, the…
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Better tasting boy batter: a secret recipe
Eat lots of fruits and vegetables. Exercise at least three times a week. Yadee yadee yah. We’ve heard it all. Sugar bad, olive oil good; Oreos bad, cucumbers good (but for oh so many reasons).
Not that I want to advocate bad eating habits. But if there’s one reason for spiking your intake of sugar at all – and this advice is for guys only – is to improve the taste of your sperm.
Yum.
From experience, it seems, that the more sugar a man consumes, the tastier the sperm. So do us all sweet-toothed cock suckers a favour, and drink your cokes au natural (none of that aspartame crap – it’s going to kill you, anyway)!
“But, but, but,” you say. “That’s so unhealthy!”
I’ll tell you what’s unhealthy – eating cum that tastes like fresh basil mixed with aloe vera, goat anus and a dash of bleach.
The last time I slept with a crazy health-obsessing, mountain-biking, organic-eating young man, I almost fainted from the smell of his grassy sperm, never mind tasted…
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The importance of a good O-face
The number one reason why all men and women should videotape themselves during sex is to find out how their faces look.
I’m not kidding. If you haven’t a clue what your orgasm face looks like, go do yourself a favour right now, and tape yourself masturbating. The result may shock you.
I mean, have you ever watched a porn video, where everything’s good — the chick’s got a nice body, the dude doesn’t gross you out — then BAM! They have intercourse and out pops the bad fuck face? Even the most attractive people can instantly transform into ogres.
It ruins everything.
I very recently hooked up with a preppy man. I hold prepsters in very high regards. Even so, the sex was so bad, I couldn’t even bring myself to write about it afterward. Until now, that is.
First of all, preppy man was all insecure without his preppy clothes. He was one of those skinny types who layered himself with three shirts and a sweater to create the illusion of bulk. Unclothing…
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Letter from the Middle East
Continuing the saga of a Canadian-Asian reporter dispatched in the Middle East, trying to find some action deep in the desert. – .ed
The last time I slept with a white guy, one of my Arab friends protested.
“That little Kiwi dude?” he said. “Not again.”
What’s wrong with white dudes, huh? Well, many things, according to the Arab world, which is where I currently reside. I’m on my fifth month in the Middle East, and for the longest time and unknown reasons it seemed, I had only been able to hook up with white guys.
“What’s wrong with that?” I said to my Lebanese friend.
“You have to stop sleeping with guys from the West,” he said. “I know New Zealand is in Oceana, but you know what I mean… All these white boys are the same – ill-dressed, ill-mannered and don’t know how to treat a woman.”
He went on to list some of his other observations, which included:
>> When a white guy goes grocery shopping with his girlfriend,…
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Letter from Qatar
Lately I’ve been busy learning the ways of Allah, and apparently, His people want my infidel ass.
OK back up a bit. Five months ago, I decided to pack my bags and move to Qatar. Yes, the tiny peninsula just off Saudi Arabic – one of the richest countries in the world, where Lamborghinis are as abundant as second and third wives.
Some Arabic I’ve picked up so far: Kees ummak (Your mother’s pussy!), Kees ummak bi ayri (My cock up your mother’s pussy!), Kees ummak bi Ras’ayri (The tip of my cock up your mother’s pussy), and finally Kees ummak bi Ras’ayri sharmoota (The tip of my cock up your mother’s pussy, bitch!). Yes I ‘m a fast learner, Masha’Allah (God meant it so!).
Now that we’ve established the fact that I’m totally opened to mingling with Arabs, I’d like to talk a bit about the cultural differences within the dating scene.
Urrr, what dating scene? First of all, there is none. Because dating is haram (taboo)! If a woman wants to hook up…
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