Jess Vogel
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Posts by Jess Vogel
4 ways to instantly know you can’t trust a guy
Dating and getting to know the ‘real’ person is so hard. All too often you fall for someone, only to realize a month or two later that they are someone else completely. If only there were a way to know right away if someone’s going to be a creep or not. Well, there is. Dr. Johnathon Heyman, a specialist in the growing field of appearance psychology, spent years analyzing all the tell-tale signs of someone’s depravity. An exclusive series on Love in the Dumps, he will expose them for both men and women.
1. He has soul patch – these gross things went out of fashion roughly seven years ago, making us highly suspect of those who still sport them. Dr. Heyman elaborates: “Guys who have soul patches generally see themselves as Doc Holidays – the bad guy who rolls into town, takes what he wants and leaves.” Goatees, oddly enough, are another story. “Men with goatees exude warmth, caring and domesticity. They are totally safe.
2. He volunteers – is he a ‘big brother’?…
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Special Report: your drab dating life will be no better in LA
Contrary to the stereotype that women always find something to complain about, a recent article in the NY Post discusses the terrible dating scene for single women in NYC. Apparently, a number of women are leaving the big city for brighter skies and dimmer guys. These past-their-primers are looking for a level of seriousness and commitment that MANhattaners just aren’t into.
One success story is Stephanie, a 30 something financial advisor who fled to Los Angeles and eloped with a man 2 months later. So there’s your answer ladies – head off to a city known for its genuine, enlightened population and enter into a serious relationship based on deep connections and time-tested compatibility.
Those of you that choose to remain, remember why you came in the first place. You wanted more for yourself than a picket fences and perpetual pregnancy. Embrace the independence, and for god’s sake get a hobby.
Study proves break-ups affect things and stuff
Erica Slotter, lead author in the race to late night infomercial fame, recently published a controversial study on the taboo topic of break-ups. This contentious research supports a radical new school of thought that “a break up can make people feel like they don’t know who they are anymore”. Can this be true?
Sighting hacked blogs and hijacked diaries as sources, Slotter claims increased usage of key words like, “confused”, “feelings”, and “chunky monkey”.
A compelling research study involving over 9 respondents further supports this seditious claim, with participants admitting to “a moderate change in their belief system, their appearance, and even their values”. When asked to elaborate, one respondent stated, “The Deuce is back!” while another simply proffered his finger to be smelled.
This powerful new insight into the fragility of human identity has made waves in the scientific and astrological community alike. LITD will continue to monitor the inevitable shockwaves that are sure to follow such a monumental piece of scientific brilliance.
Bottom 5 Ways: Getting one nite stands O-U-T (of your apartment)
The web is full of lame “top 5″ lists, especially when it comes to relationships and dating. Problem is, none are actually applicable to real world scenarios. LITD takes care of this in our new series, Bottom 5 ways. – ed
Ok so you’ve had a one night stand. Again. Big deal, you’ll repress this one just like all the others, after a boozy brunch with your pals and an afternoon nap. But – uh oh! – your accomplice thinks he/she is sticking around for the morning. Maybe even the day. Worse case scenario, even another night! You’re cornered and need to think fast, but since thinking fast is not something you do well, you flounder. And suddenly your Saturday/Sunday of freedom is severely hamstrung. Luckily, LITD is here to help with this handy list of ways to get your one night stand out of your apartment and back on the street where they belong:
1. Your parents are coming over – this would be an awkward situation to end all…
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Dumpcast: Dr. “G” and Dr. “S”
Conditions: Both Jewish, both doctors, both Ivy Leaguers, these two combined to form a Jewish parent’s dream team, the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since Jordan and Magic went to the Olympics. It’s a match made in heaven, but sometimes there’s a crook in the Ivy road to multiple PHDs.
Storm Warnings: Lately, at the dinner table, conversation flat-lines when the Doctors run out of medical things to discuss. As verbal defibrillator, Dr. S tried playing “Scene It!” with her during dessert, but she lost interest after the first three.
Dump Cast: Continuing the Dream Team analogy, the perfect pair will be an unstoppable force in the beginning and win the gold easily. Soon after they will coast on their talent – the chemistry will slip, and they’ll be left thinking, “How can this happen? We’re so good on paper!” At this point they’ll go back to their Rabbi – the equivalent of Coach K – who will get them back on track to their winning ways. They’ll repeat this patten for life.…
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Summing up fashion week, part 1
The sisters Rodarte
Attempting to save room and create more space to sell advertising, New York Magazine invited some of fashion’s biggest names to describe the theme of their entire fall collection using just one word. Dictionaries, translators and a team of 4th grade spell checkers were provided. In the spirit of Fashion Week, we post a translation for the fashion illiterate (in two parts):
Designer: Francisco Costa, Calvin Klein
The design in one word: “Vibration”
Translation in more words: For extra pleasure
Designer: Vera Wang
The design in one word: “Dimension”
Translation in more words: You’re probably going to look fat in this
Designer: Erin Fetherston
The design in one word: “Poetess”
Translation in more words: Men and women aren’t equals
Designer: Kate and Laura Mulleavy, Rodarte
The design in one word: “Dreams”
Translation in more words: The entire collection was created on Ketamine
Designer: Alexander Wang
The design in one word: “Wall Street”
Translation in more words: This shit will fall apart
John Mayer, soothsayer
America’s favorite douche bag John Mayer recently embarked on an interview tour de force. Sitting down with, among others, Rolling Stone and Playboy Magazine, popular conversation topics included; John Mayer, johncmayer (his twitter account), and John Mayer’s racist man-parts.
But don’t write off this puppydog-eyed heartthrob just yet. He’s grown up and, at 32, finally beginning to grasp the complexities of love and relationships.
“Here’s what I really want to do at 32: fuck a girl and then, as she’s sleeping in bed, make breakfast for her. So she’s like, “What? You gave me five vaginal orgasms last night, and you’re making me a spinach omelet? You are the shit!” So she says, “I love this guy.” I say, “I love this girl loving me.” And then we have a problem. Because that entails instant relationship. I’m already playing house. And when I lose interest she’s going to say, “Why would you do that if you didn’t want to stick with me?” ”
Why, John? Why would you make a spinach omelet for a…
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The Sucky Super Bowl Ads
The consensus is that this year’s super bowl ads were sexist and sucked.Which brings up an interesting point: the parallels between Super Bowl ads and oral sex are unavoidable. Both are secondary but expected bonuses, both are discussed with friends the next day, and both can be very expensive.
Also like oral sex, Super Bowl ads are always unfairly compared to the best. And there have been some great ones. Giant balloons battling for soda, babies with man-voices, even a wardrobe malfunction. But everything has a climax, and from there the only place to go is down. Or back up and kind of off to the side.
So let Super Bowls ads, and their meaningful relationship to oral sex, be a lesson to us all. Sometimes the ads are disappointing, a let-down but never dealbreaker. Maybe the adult braces will come off next year. And let’s face it: like pizza and lackluster oral sex, even when Super Bowl ads are bad, they’re still pretty good.
Obvious Goggles I
Due to a birth defect most likely caused by my mother’s penchant for Percodan while pregnant, as well as some questionable DNA passed along from my father who is half Blue Mountain man, I was born with a curious mutation to the central fovea in my right eye, drastically altering the visual acuity to well beyond typical human range. Since there is no medical term that fully explains the effects of my condition, I have lovingly come to refer to this affliction as my Obvious Goggles.
This condition gives me the ability to see the all-too-obvious faux pas of men’s forays is the realm of dating. It may just be years of watching humiliations and failures taking its toll, but I am compelled to speak out in a noble attempt to save the Mimbos from themselves in this column, Obvious Goggles.
Round 1 – At a bar:
Situation: You approach a girl and she seems relatively disinterested until you offer to buy her a drink. You then drop $10-15 to get her some concoction of…
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