Archive for April, 2010
Types of dysfunctional daters: the Lame Horse Bettor
In the spirit of Andrea Syrtash’s new book release, He’s Just Not Your Type, Love in the Dumps will attempt to identify and profile the many types of dysfunctional daters (DDs). We know who we are. (which DD are you, or which have you encountered? Let me know!!!)
Type name: The Lame Horse Bettor
Definition: Like the unlucky Thoroughbred gambler who bets on a horse with a bad leg, this type purposely starts up relationships with partners that are obviously unsustainable, all to avoid getting involved in longer term relationships. Unfortunately the victims suffer the same fate as the lame horse, and are put down.
Advantages: The benefit of being a Lame Horse Bettor is seductive – an instant rip cord to pull at any given time, usually around the 3 month expiration. The “he/she is just not right for me” excuse is built right into it from the start, so when you inevitably plow the thing into a tree the damage will be minor scrapes and cuts.…
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Sunday Morning Comin Down, part 3
The final installment of Sunday Mornin’ Coming down (first episode found here, second episode found here). This is part of the Dysfunction Junction series, in which single New Yorkers playing out funny and poignant scenarios.
5 foods you should NOT eat on a date
1. Squid ink pasta - you order the squid ink pasta, thinking there’s no way it could actually be made with squid ink. Just a a figure of speech, like Dandelion Wine. It arrives, and you both chow down like the hungry animals you are. Everything’s cool, until you smile. Disgusting black teeth. Both of you. And you have black splotches on your white shirt. Your meal just defeated you.
2. Ethiopian – yes, Ethiopian food is tasty. No, there is nothing attractive about you digging your fingers deep into some brown messy slop, getting it under your fingernails, then shoving it into your mouth. If you want to go exotic, hit P.F. Changs.
3. Cabbage – there’s really only one way to say this: farts. Bad ones. That’s what happens when you eat cabbage. It would be one thing if cabbage were delicious, making it worth the risk of gaseous fumes, but it’s not. So avoid it at all costs on a date – save it when you’re with your frat bros or sorority…
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What to expect if you date: a Taurus
The monthly reading from our friends LoveSmacked & StarStruck
GOOD THINGS: reliable like a Swiss watch; financially secure; loyal—unless you sleep with their best friend or kill their mother; honest to a fault—will tell you if your ass does look bigger in those jeans—but delivers the truth a bit nicer than other signs; a competent worker, is usually gainfully employed; kinky; loves good food and expensive wine; spiritually evolved and therefore has a good relationship with the Universe for when karmic shit hits the fan; enjoys the word “sensual” and acts on it.
BAD THINGS: stubborn as all hell; won’t change their mind after making a decision; highly opinionated; impossible to convince of doing something you want to do if they aren’t interested in it; usually overweight and needs to work hard to keep off the pounds and procrastinates going to the gym; kind of a cheap-ass and will keep you waiting for a long time for that engagement ring if his 401k isn’t yet 100% fully vested; really can have a headache at…
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Letter from the Middle East
Continuing the saga of a Canadian-Asian reporter dispatched in the Middle East, trying to find some action deep in the desert. – .ed
The last time I slept with a white guy, one of my Arab friends protested.
“That little Kiwi dude?” he said. “Not again.”
What’s wrong with white dudes, huh? Well, many things, according to the Arab world, which is where I currently reside. I’m on my fifth month in the Middle East, and for the longest time and unknown reasons it seemed, I had only been able to hook up with white guys.
“What’s wrong with that?” I said to my Lebanese friend.
“You have to stop sleeping with guys from the West,” he said. “I know New Zealand is in Oceana, but you know what I mean… All these white boys are the same – ill-dressed, ill-mannered and don’t know how to treat a woman.”
He went on to list some of his other observations, which included:
>> When a white guy goes grocery shopping with his girlfriend,…
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A way to skin the cat
This one’s for anyone whose partner’s cat drives them nuts but would never dare say anything about the cute ‘lil guy for fear of getting sexually blacklisted.
Video in the Dumps – Kobe fan is a true LITDer
Love in the Dumps endorses the Lakers, and Kobe Bryant, so when this video came our way it made us realize that all Laker fans are the same – just slightly off, in the best way.
Dating Doh!nt: online edition – pictures of you kayaking
Hello potential soul mate for life! What do you think of this picture of me, paddling the tranquil waters of the Pacific in my kayak? I included this photo because it displays an important side of me – the outdoorsy, nature-loving side. And if you didn’t notice (shame on you if you didn’t), this picture came immediately after the one of me boozing in a trendy lounge, which is testament to my versatile personality. You see, I am just as comfortable sitting on my ass in this plastic vessel as I am sitting on my ass at the opera. I can rock aqua socks or ten inch hooker heels. I can navigate the Briney deep in the morning, as I’m doing here, and a Reseda shopping mall in the afternoon.
What’s that? You don’t like my life jacket? My personal flotation device (PFD)? Well, I will have you know that I can slip off a foamy PFD just as easily as I can a silky camisole. You see, I’m a chameleon – at home in…
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Grading the Vows: Erwitt + Kaluza
Highlights: just like 98% of the extremely undiverse stories on the NY Times Vows section, this thread was spun inside the hallowed Ivy-lined walls of Columbia, when she fell for “this cute guy” with a “sexy accent” (typical!) They were put to the test when his work kept them apart, but as they explain in their video in the Times, absence made their hearts grow stronger.
Troubling questions: they got married at Bubby’s, a restaurant in the DUMBO section of Brooklyn. Tying the knot in a restaurant is always a bad choice, and Bubby’s especially has its detrators. Take for instance Kat M, a respected reviewer on Yelp:
My fiance had a Cuban sandwich which was alright. His fries were not fresh out of the frier, which one would expect for a 40 minute to prep sandwich type meal. I had Eggs Benedict over a waffle. The waffle wasn’t even as fresh as a freezer Ego out of the toaster and the eggs were almost totally cooked through (not what you…
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