(bad) advice
Dating Doh!nt: online edition – ‘model’ pictures
Ok, listen. I have something to tell you, and won’t be easy. Please, take a seat. You should not be on your feet when I break this news, for it could shake your very foundation – what you’ve built your whole life upon – and send you reeling onto the cold, hard cement. Are you ready? Here goes. You are not a model.
Harsh, but true – you are just kind of ordinary looking like the rest of us. So do tell, why is your online dating profile filled with such ‘model’ type shots? Oh, your photographer friend Ron took them for his portfolio. And you want to put your ‘best foot forward’. Well let me tell you something. When your date sees that your best foot is, in real life, not nearly as hot as it was in the professional model shot, but in fact is kind of mangled and nasty, there’s gonna be trouble. When they see that your perfectly feathered hair in the picture actually has thick flakes of dandruff, you’ll be…
Click to continue reading
4 really bad date ideas
Getting a date is a lot of work. Between getting the number, waiting, following up, waiting for them to call you back, getting depressed because they don’t call you back, becoming elated when they do call you back because their better thing didn’t work out, it’s difficult to muster up the energy to go on the actual date. But muster you must, because if you drop this ball you will back on the bench. Picking the right ‘event’ might seem like a no-brainer, but as anyone who’s been on a miserable date before knows, a bad one can be absolute hell. So instead of focusing on the positive and giving you a bunch of lame ‘fun date’ ideas, we’ve outlined a few of the bad ideas to avoid.
1. Avant garde anything - while the pleasures of watching a Stan Brakhage film after smoking a medically municipal joint are undeniable, bringing a date to a bizarro event in which he/she might get hit in the face with…
Click to continue reading
7 pick-up lines that actually work
** the following comes to us from the great Denny Delveccio, editor of the insanely funny Your New Bad Habit, and will be doing a regular column on LITD (we’ll be posting on his site too). Visit his site, and join his Fan Page. You’ll only be a little sorry. – .ed
Although it may be difficult to believe from where you’re sitting, even your boy Denny Dance sometimes avails himself of a “Gentleman’s Overture” or two in order to increase his odds of biblically reclining with any number of otherwise virtuous, doe-eyed misses. Yes, on occasion even my carnal tractor beam is off. You may stop shaking your head in disbelief. It makes you look rabid.
On the off chance that you can pry your way from the Myst chatroom this evening to join the party going down at your local pool hall or deserted farmhouse, you might consider utilizing one of the following DelVecchio-approved icebreakers. All are guaranteed to keep the panties dropping:
1.
10 ways a girl knows her love life is boring as all hell
Lady Lumberjack stormed onto the LITD scene a few months back with this story, which is the site’s perennial traffic cow. She’s back with an equally hilarical (her word) post for the early summer (thanks to Anne Marie for the Pulitzer prize-quality covert coffeehouse photo). – ed.
“Look, Lady Lumberjack – spring and summer is mating season, c’mon! You’ve gotta have SOME kind of game!”A man-friend said to me upon the first 65 degree day in NYC after a long, cold winter. Sure, it’s mating season – random strangers are going-home together from bars at a faster pace, the hems on my dresses are inching shorter, couples are canoodling at outdoor cafes in nauseatingly high numbers – yet I’m bored as hell. I polled several of my gorgeous, smart, funny, sweet yet spicy single gal pals, as well as dipped into my own personal arsenal, to come-up with the Top 10 Signs that a Girl is Bored With Her Love Life.
10. She’d rather go home with a pile of bodega food at…
Click to continue reading
3 ways to deal with rejection
Sssssss……we all know that sound. You hear it while getting dealt the blow of a disssss, as well as the hisssss of your deflating ego. How hard it is to realize that you’re not God’s gift to women/men, that someone could actually decide not to want you forever, or at least for a night. It’s always a tough pill to swallow, often requiring the swallowing of a different, non-metaphorical pill or pills. But we urge you not to use drugs – dispose of them immediately by sending them to us – and instead refer to this handy list of ways to deal with rejection:
1. Blame technology - so you got nailed with the NTB (no text back), NEB (email), or NCB (call). This is probably because you F-ed up and were overeager, but that’s water under the bridge. How do you deal with the sting? Easy. The email was sent to the spam folder. AT&T’s lame network lost your text and voice mail. You weren’t rejected – technology just didn’t cooperate. **…
Click to continue reading
5 ways to make money with your member
Gentlemen, for years your little head has gotten you into trouble, with very little ROI (that’s return on investment for all you geniuses). Well, the free ride ends here. Put your penis to work!
1. Model your Schwanz – Rodin’s The Thinker is hung like a chipmunk compared to you, dear sir. Put your uncut, ten-inch cock in front of those art school pukes over at Pratt and watch the cash roll in.
2. Make Art - Sell it on the black market! Not the Black market, cause sistas ain’t got no use for your shortass dick. But if your johnson is generous, make a mold of it and sell it outside the Met next to the dudes hawking hotdogs & African masks. Tourists will pay top dollar, especially if you say it’s “art.”
3. Become a Male Escort – Upload a few photos of your longfellow to the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist. Wait 24 hours. Watch as the twinks, skanks and trannies compete for your affections.
4. Use it for Scientific Research –…
Click to continue reading
What to expect if you date: a New Yorker
Good points: more fun than a barrel full of monkeys; extremely romantic setting a la Woody Allen movies; great places to eat and booze; sex in public places (it’s basically legal and tolerated in NY); highly (sometimes over) educated; strong ‘cool’ factor one inherits by living in NYC (not counting Staten Island); good chance they make good money, though this point is nullified by New York City taxes.
Bad points: you have a choice – cocaine addict, alcoholic, or recovering addict. Throw workaholic into the mix and you’re looking at a fairly undateable individual. Resting their laurels on the over-quoted statistic that there’s more single women than men, NY guys have a palpable smugness to them. This nurtures a distrustful cynicism in women, creating a cold war situation not unlike Khrushchev / Kennedy circa 1963. The New York dating battlefield is fraught with landmines on both sides, and like a Marine at war, the chances of something blowing up in your face are quite good. Also, they’ll either have roommates or live in a shoebox.…
Click to continue reading
5 foods you should NOT eat on a date
1. Squid ink pasta - you order the squid ink pasta, thinking there’s no way it could actually be made with squid ink. Just a a figure of speech, like Dandelion Wine. It arrives, and you both chow down like the hungry animals you are. Everything’s cool, until you smile. Disgusting black teeth. Both of you. And you have black splotches on your white shirt. Your meal just defeated you.
2. Ethiopian – yes, Ethiopian food is tasty. No, there is nothing attractive about you digging your fingers deep into some brown messy slop, getting it under your fingernails, then shoving it into your mouth. If you want to go exotic, hit P.F. Changs.
3. Cabbage – there’s really only one way to say this: farts. Bad ones. That’s what happens when you eat cabbage. It would be one thing if cabbage were delicious, making it worth the risk of gaseous fumes, but it’s not. So avoid it at all costs on a date – save it when you’re with your frat bros or sorority…
Click to continue reading
Listless: 10 things to say to unwanted creeps hitting on you
It’s a situation that every woman has been in: you go out with friends with the hopes of perhaps meeting a half-decent guy, but the only ones who talk to you are married creeps, disgusting trolls, or witless meatheads. It wouldn’t be so bad if these bottom feeders would just quickly crawl away upon recognizing your rebuff, but no such luck. They stick around like an unwanted kid at recess who can’t find anyone else to play with. But the pen, as they say, is mightier than the sword, and with a quick turn of phrase you can easily dispel of the sad-sack suitors and quickly send them back to their wounded wolf pack. Here are 10:
1. “I really just want to get pregnant and have a baby.”
2. “Sorry – I’m usually in a better mood but am on the rag.”
3. “My psychic told me I’d meet you!”
4. “You’ll never live up to our Savior, just so you know.”
5. “Sex is waaay overrated.”
6. “You look like that guy –…
Click to continue reading
4 ways to cope with a sex-less relationship (or, No. That doesn’t feel good. Ow.)
Wow! You’ve finally gotten in a relationship! We’re all just glad you’re even trying again, after that last one. I would’ve considered giving up for good and becoming that cat lady/model train dude. You know, the guy with the mustache.
So, you’re out with your friends. But the problem is, the COUPLE is there. You know, that COUPLE that’s not just a plain ole’ friend in a relationship, it’s that one that gives you hope about maybe someday finding the right person for you and having lots of awesome lazy sex with that so-very-right person while watching The Mentalist or something but simultaneously you hate the COUPLE so very much because you are most decidedly not having that sleepy, half awake coital bliss all Saturday. You’re dry-humping. Like teenagers.
Not that you’d admit to this. You’re better than needing sex. You’re not some animal. You respect other people’s feelings, religious and otherwise. You’re in a romantic relationship with someone who’s really great for you. So when the horrid, horrid couple asks you about your new…
Click to continue reading
