News + Views
LITD Editor in Time Out New York!
Two things feel more pathetic than putting up an online dating profile. Doing so on Craigslist Personals is one; doing it in a newspaper or magazine is another. Your LITD did the latter recently, under the guise of “I’m doing it for the site”. Nice try. This is the snark who, on a weekly basis, Grades the Vows ; we encourage you to turn the chalkboards and grade him, in the comments section. Do your worst! Below, we give you a head start. Original Time Out ad is found here.
How White People Date: Chapter 2
Mero from VICTORY LIGHT adds two more to the book. Read Chapter 1 here.
#4 – They make mix tapes and CDs
ALL MY NON-WHITE READERS ARE LIKE “WHAT DOES DJ DRAMA HAVE TO DO WITH DATING?” HE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH DATING, BUT WHITE PEOPLE HAVE A DIFFERENT DEFINITION OF MIXTAPES. THIS IS WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY MIXTAPE AND THIS IS WHAT A WHITE PEOPLE MIXTAPE IS ALTHOUGH NOWADAYS ITS USUALLY ON A CD AND IT’S USUALLY CALLED SOMETHING WILD CORNY LIKE “FOR RACHEL, WITH UNDYING LOVE.” OR “FOR WHEN YOU THINK OF ME.” THIS IS HOW WHITE PEOPLE PROFESS THEIR LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER. THAT SHIT BAFFLES ME BUT YO, IF YOU AIN’T WHITE YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT THIS SO BE VERY CAREFUL. WHEN DEALING WITH A WHITE GIRL DO NOT BURN THE BITCH A CD, EVEN IF ITS A BOOTLEG COPY OF AVATAR. SHE’LL TAKE IT THE WRONG WAY AND POKE A HOLE IN THE CONDOM…(JUST KIDDING, ONLY BLACK BITCHES DO…
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An open letter to married parents everywhere
We write this letter to address your disdainful attitude towards us singletons, the cause of mounting tension between our two factions. We hope to work with you to find a peaceful resolution; barring that, we must to resort to good old fashioned war.
Like running a marathon or winning the Booker prize, having children is a rite of passage that confers upon parents a certain emotional state. For the sake of argument let’s call it “the arrogance of parenthood.” Now responsible for another human’s life, being a parent has changed you fundamentally; moreover, it has made you a better person. On that point, we brook no argument. Verily, we write to illustrate how this arrogance affects we who have yet to reach this blissful state, i.e., singletons.
Let’s begin with a case study to prove this painful fact. Take the example of J, who visited her old friend, a stay-at-home mom living in Connecticut. Much wine was imbibed with dinner; afterwards they visited a local pub and stayed past midnight. On the way home,…
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How White People Date, chapter 1
More than just a humor website, LITD is an anthropological think-tank, exploring the dating rituals of every culture. We begin with white people (gotta start somewhere). Sometimes it’s hard to see the forest from the trees, so we invite people from one ethnicity to report on the perplexing dating practices of Caucasians. This installment features Mero, whose hilarious blog, Victory-Light, is a must visit. – ed.
WHATS POPPIN? IN THIS INSTALLMENT OF MY WHITE PEOPLE DISCOVERY GUIDE I’LL BE SPEAKIN ON WHITE PEOPLE’S MATING TECHNIQUES. NAHMEAN? “MERO WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN ABOUT? WHAT DO WHITE PEOPLE DO DIFFERENT BRUH?”
FOR REAL? HERE IT GO:
#1 – they ‘date’
SO OFF TOP YOU GOT USE OF THE WORD “DATING”. IF I’M SEEING A BROAD AND ITS NOT SERIOUS, WE’RE JUST FUCKIN AROUND. SO WE EITHER FUCKIN OR NOT FUCKIN. THAT’S MY CLASSIFICATION. IF WE NOT FUCKIN IM STORING YOU IN MY PHONE AS: I’M-NOT-STORING-YOU-IN-MY-PHONE-BITCH-FUCK-OUTTA-HERE-I’M-TRYNA-GET-MY-BEEF-WET.
THE ONLY DATING I DO IS WHEN I PUT SOME CHICKEN IN THE FREEZER AND WRITE “TUESDAY MAY 1ST” ON…
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Video in the Dumps – Kobe fan is a true LITDer
Love in the Dumps endorses the Lakers, and Kobe Bryant, so when this video came our way it made us realize that all Laker fans are the same – just slightly off, in the best way.
Exclusive excerpt: A Guide to Experimental Emoticoning
**The following is an excerpt from Ralph Mooney’s forthcoming book, Lips Sealed: A Guide to Experimental Emoticoning ($29.99, Penguin).**
Not to brag, but I’ve some serious emoticon skills, and have yet to meet a better emoticoner. How do I know this? Well, let’s just say quite a few people have pointed it out to me, mostly unsolicited. In addition, I just know that I give good emoticon.
How does a person reach the upper echelon, the top pantheon if you will, of emoticonning? What sort of skills differentiates him from the unwashed masses of common emoticonners? It’s not an easy thing to pinpoint. You see, high level emoticonning is an art, not a science, guided mostly by intuition. There is, however, a common thread running through my work ; a few scholars have noted it, in particular Jay Ericson at Princeton in a recent Communication Arts article.
Ericson compared my work to the lyrics of Bob Dylan – always a twist of the unexpected. It’s true. I lead my audience one way, then…
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Letter from Qatar
Lately I’ve been busy learning the ways of Allah, and apparently, His people want my infidel ass.
OK back up a bit. Five months ago, I decided to pack my bags and move to Qatar. Yes, the tiny peninsula just off Saudi Arabic – one of the richest countries in the world, where Lamborghinis are as abundant as second and third wives.
Some Arabic I’ve picked up so far: Kees ummak (Your mother’s pussy!), Kees ummak bi ayri (My cock up your mother’s pussy!), Kees ummak bi Ras’ayri (The tip of my cock up your mother’s pussy), and finally Kees ummak bi Ras’ayri sharmoota (The tip of my cock up your mother’s pussy, bitch!). Yes I ‘m a fast learner, Masha’Allah (God meant it so!).
Now that we’ve established the fact that I’m totally opened to mingling with Arabs, I’d like to talk a bit about the cultural differences within the dating scene.
Urrr, what dating scene? First of all, there is none. Because dating is haram (taboo)! If a woman wants to hook up…
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The (not having any) Sex Diaries
New York Magazine’s sex diaries are great. But for every sexually overactive lawyer living in a Tribeca loft, there’s ten sexually bereft copywriters living in East Village shoe-boxes. These stories of neglect are just as interesting, or at least as funny, and here is where you will find them.
The Frustrated Ethnic Fetishist
22, female, single, straight, East Village
DAY ONE
8:00 a.m.: Walk out of apartment only to be face-to-face with cute Israeli boy who is home for the Jewish holidays. He is wearing a Yankees themed kibbah. Turn-on!
12:24 p.m.: Walk across the street to deli to get a sandwich. Even Mourad, the deli sandwich maker from Pakistan, is looking good. He tells me that I don’t need candy cos I am too sweet. Is he hitting on me or insulting me? Not sure.
4:00 p.m.: Receive text message from Brazilian friend who is going to a Capoeira conference tonight and wants to invite me. I fantasize about topless tan Brazilians with ninja personalities. I am there.
7:00 p.m.: Eat…
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What the health care bill means for singles
The historical passing of the health care bill will change the lives of many people, but one group in particular will feel its impact like no other – single people. Since they are the focus of this publication, I feel impelled to reach out to them in this forum and explain a bit how they will be affected by this momentous bill passing.
1. STD testing – single people lead every category of sexual promiscuity: one night stands; unprotected sex; ‘experimental’ sex; sexual ‘vacations’ to far of lands; even sexual events such as snugglefests. No surprise, they lead in STDs, which go untreated because they don’t have adequate insurance. Thanks to the health care bill, this is no longer the case.
2. Access to vanity doctors – the bill now allows ample access to doctors who will do away with unsightly blemishes that might be adversely affecting your dating life. Moles. Birthmarks. Large noses. Small breasts. Marginal eyelashes. Every single single person across the country can get these things fixed cheaply, and safely.
3. Cheaper…
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Special Report: your drab dating life will be no better in LA
Contrary to the stereotype that women always find something to complain about, a recent article in the NY Post discusses the terrible dating scene for single women in NYC. Apparently, a number of women are leaving the big city for brighter skies and dimmer guys. These past-their-primers are looking for a level of seriousness and commitment that MANhattaners just aren’t into.
One success story is Stephanie, a 30 something financial advisor who fled to Los Angeles and eloped with a man 2 months later. So there’s your answer ladies – head off to a city known for its genuine, enlightened population and enter into a serious relationship based on deep connections and time-tested compatibility.
Those of you that choose to remain, remember why you came in the first place. You wanted more for yourself than a picket fences and perpetual pregnancy. Embrace the independence, and for god’s sake get a hobby.
