Love in the Dumps » ConTEXTuals

Texts you WISH you could send, part 1

LadyLumberjack — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 12:11:48 +0000

Texting is such a blast – a modern take on the telegram, you send cute, pithy messages back and forth in a sort of linguistic dalliance. It’s also a challenging medium to express your real thoughts and concerns, and as tempting as it may be we must control the urge to let it all hang out on SMS. Instead, LITD will compile an ongoing list of Texts you WISH you could send (add yours to the comments)

The world’s saddest text

Love in the Dumps — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 13:00:12 +0000

And if anyone wants to get in on the action, his Twitter is @faelan

A chatrouletter gets her revenge

Love in the Dumps — Wed, 19 May 2010 16:40:40 +0000

Courtesy of Chatrouletting.com

10 thoughts that go through your mind on a bad date

Cliff Golden — Tue, 04 May 2010 15:14:21 +0000

Ah, bad dates. Time slows to a crawl, the drinks seem never to deplete, and the world stops turning. It is, in most ways, the worst kind of hell. Single Girl Blogging captured the essence of it with this story, and below we dig deep into the psyche with actual thoughts that go through your mind:

“Christ, I really am going to be single forever.”

“Please God, please don’t let anyone I know see us. Please please please please.”

“If I could just replace this turd with the hot bartender, everything would be hunky dory.”

“I’m way too hot for him/her.”

“Is this what it takes to have a baby by 33?”

“If he/she was 30% cuter, 10% less annoying, 5% more interesting and 13% more stylish, I would be in a lot less pain.”

“God those chicken wings look good.”

“Missing at this very moment: 30 Rock, Kardashians, the Mets vs the Pirates, and Anderson Cooper. Fuck.”

“No no no! I’ll never settle.”

“Sigh. Fine, I’ll settle.” *

*thought results in marriage 83% of the time

Great moments in oops wrong text

Rob — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 16:19:20 +0000

oops! Though maybe it was an Oedipal thing?

Post text analysis: to bar, or not to bar

Love in the Dumps — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 12:30:48 +0000

This is a series in which two of the web’s great relationship writers analyze a nebulous text correspondence between couples, lovers, or somewhere in-betweens. The following missive is particularly complex, so we approached two of the best: Nando, whose wisdom is known to the world as Nandoism, and Zoe, whose razor sharp wit draws blood on Wink Wink Wink.

The background:
They meet via blind date and start a very intense relationship (ie. Sex) all of a sudden. Thinking she’s never going to date him long term, she freaks out and dumps him, then calls him hours later and he end up spending the night. They date for a few more weeks, then she breaks up with him again. Then (you guessed it) date for another week. Finally they seal the break up deal but have continued to text every once in a while.

This is one of these times. It’s a Sunday evening in mid-March. She’s at a bar in Williamsburg:

She:
Considering getting out of the w’burg shitshow. Any interest in meeting me for a drink?

Booty call!!

Him:
Sure! How bout you come here for one? I’ll make you something nice.

He takes the bite and gives a little “flirt” back in return
Booty call confirmed. He’s no dummy. He knows that meeting for drinks = sex. At least with this girl. Might as well be comfortable, save some money and enjoy a home-cooked meal. Practical!

She:
I don’t think i can make it that easy for you.

Still flirting, but in text, it can be taken the wrong way–she needs to read “The Art of Texting” by the Mike Masters
Whoa. How deluded is she? She broke up and got back together with this guy three times and she doesn’t think that meeting up with him will result in sex?

He:
Just a drink. My roommate is here, nothing easy about it. I’d have to work to get you to take me to your place either way.

My point, he took the text literal and now ended the sexiness of the back & forth–way to go dummy!
He gets it now. She’s backing off. He’s enough of a gentleman to know that he needs to put her at ease and assure her that this will be a purely platonic visit. But he’s also lazy and/or broke and would prefer being at home with this girl, even if the night doesn’t end horizontally.

Her:
I’m not coming to your apt! The vanderbilt? I want to go there.

Now she’s being annoying, child, you must THINK you have a golden coochi to think daddy’s gonna leave the comforts of home for you.
She’s digging her heels in. She wants a drink! At a bar! She doesn’t want a lazy evening at this guy’s place with his roommate. No, she wants to put on her best new dress, dazzle a few men, and go home a little tipsy.

Him:
I’m tired of that place. Just come here. What difference does it make? Why pay for mediocre cocktails when you can get great ones here free?

Girl, you ain’t got no GOLDEN COOCHI for me to leave the comforts of home! You’re coming to big Daddy!
He’s broke. And lazy. Told you.

She:
You don’t have the sway on me anymore, pomeroy! I’m back in my headstrong zone. Lemme know if you change your mind!

She was bored and it wasn’t really about seeing HIM specifically–she’s probably texting other guys at the same time and another one agreed to meet her–SUCKER.
Whoa, girlie, whoa. You’re picking a fight with a lazy, broke guy? Are you really picking this fight when all you want to do is head downtown in that sparkly new dress of yours? That’s what gay friends are for. Or girlfriends. Or Craigslist.

He:
Headstrong = Stubborn. What difference does it make if we meet for a drink here or there?

He’s like, whatever, I am home in my boxer watching GLEE–come if you like…I ain’t gonna beg.
Ouch, buddy. But you’re right, she is stubborn. This guy may be lazy but he can write one stinging text message.

She:
But hey, your home=lazy!

Sister set up her other date and now just wants to F*UCK with him–girl, I hope you are cute cause sister, you are coming off annoying right about now and you’re lucky this Mexican wasn’t around to tell you!
Preach it, sister. Or just call up that gay friend already.

Him:
Not about lazy. How much energy will it take to come down and get into your car?

What? Sister has a car–and expects HIM to meet her? Man, stay home, stay put and click your phone on SILENT so you won’t hear her
pathetic texts come in!
Oh snap! Who you calling lazy? he retorts, you’re the lazy one.

She:
(Him), this isn’t exactly turning me on for you right now.

Now she’s doing the girl POUT thing–and she isn’t afraid to show that Paris Hilton is her idol! Pout girl, do it. Ain’t nobody watching!
Wait, what? I thought this wasn’t about sex for her? What’s going on with the whole “turning me on” talk? She’s a woman in desperate want of control, but she’s feeling out of control. Sister, here, just sit down for a minute. Think about this: Do you really want to go out tonight? You do? OK, why don’t you get that new dress on and we’ll paint the Vanderbilt red. What do you say? Forget about that dude; he’s a lazy, broke loser. Also, you broke up with him three times, I think it’s time you move on. Go on, delete his number. Now doesn’t that feel good? Yes? OK, are you ready? Let’s go.

Him:
Are you gonna swing by my apartment and pick me up or am I taking my own car to meet you somewhere?

He’s a little nerdy too, letting go of the high school geek years just ain’t too easy for this brother–so in one last attempt to get her over his apt, he throws in a little reverse psychology but he’s a math major–so I don’t think it’s gonna work.

Him:
Am I meeting you or no?

And her other date fell through, and now she’s left alone with her pouty lips, a car and no where to go.
Sorry, dude, you aren’t meeting her. But who knows? Wait a week. Also, if you really want that booty call, meet her at the Vanderbilt already. Sheesh.

Closing thoughts, by my impression is that this girl really enjoyed the short-term fling but felt conflicted and guilty about having no-strings-attached sex (typical heart/mind disconnect) hence the reason why she keeps breaking up and (probably) re-initiating contact with this guy again and again. She may be convinced he wants to be in control, but I’d bet money that he’s the passive one here. Come on, he gets sex without having to worry about her wanting a relationship! Perfect arrangement, am I right, men? He hasn’t “lost” anything! He’s gained a girl who will provide him with amazing sex and leave a week or two later. Frankly, she sounds confused. Girl, if you enjoy the sex, just enjoy the fling for what it is. If you want a long-term relationship though, which I suspect you may, this is not the guy for you. Now, onto the messages.

Dumped on email: a death letter analysis

Matt Brand — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 19:40:14 +0000

The following was my guest conTEXTual on the very very funny site, Winkwinkwink. Here’s the background to the death letter, in the words of the deceased:

Met on Match when I was dating a few other guys. We went out for Korean food, laughed for hours. Had another date, laughed some more. I knew it wasn’t going to be more than a short-term relationship in the beginning, but after a few Sunday afternoon motorcycle rides and road trips, I didn’t care. I was having fun. He introduced me to his friends. He would cancel weekend plans to hang out with me. His mom even knew my name and asked him about me in her daily emails. And this was only one month in. I started to like him, a lot, and only thought about him when I was dating this other Caribbean dude who was kind of perfect. Not even Mr. Perfect could stop me thinking about my funny Frenchman, so I broke up with Mr. Perfect and began dating just the Frenchman. I began to – you know – really like him. Then came the Death Letter (LITD analysis in blue):

Hej ZoZo

Thanks a lot for that email, I don’t have much time to reply right now.

Wow – right off the bat going on the offensive. Might as well read, “I’m not going to even attempt to not be a dick.”

I also really enjoyed all those moments with you, I wouldn’t have enjoyed them if you weren’t there with me

Trying to buffer things with a positive, but this has got to be one of the most pathetic sentences in the history of all mankind, sprinkled with a corny emoticon (though I have a feeling he’s referring to something sexual…)

I’m sorry I heart you that way, we started our “relationship” on a strange conscenssus.

Damn that’s heartless. He just put everything you guys shared into parentheses, which means that it wasn’t real. This guy has the gloves off.

I did that more for you than for me so you don’t start building to much your life around us.

Translation: I tried to keep you from being too clingy, but it didn’t work.

Carrying for one person is really different than being blindly in love for someone. I don’t want to to get blind and wake up one day at the edge of a cliff.

Really confusing. Is he saying that he is “scared of love,” a dirty old trick in the male break up bag? The best part of this sentence is we get to envision him on the edge of a cliff, then pushing him off (optional: take a leak on his mangled corpse.)

I guess you understood on my side I have been blind in the past and I’m now scared of the dark …;o)

Ok, taking a leak on mangled corpse no longer optional.

I still really care for you and would like to share more time with you.

ie. When I want to have sex, I would like to call you and be available. Nice try pal.

Surfing with [friend] and kitting in newport this afternoon dont hesitate.

Knitting in Newport? My life savings that he’s a lousy surfer. [Zoë says: He is.]

I really don’t want you to disappear from my life….

Studies prove that people who ends things with “…” are sociopathic.

Biz

WTF is “biz”? [Zoë says: "Biz" is slang for "Bises," which means "Kisses" in French and is a common closing line]

Francois

Perfect name. It’s like a German guy named Fritz.

Post Text Analysis

Matt Brand — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 11:14:02 +0000

Pity those of us who are forced to date in the the 21st century. Yes, there are wonderful new forms of communication, but each one has a unique skill set to master. Texting in particular is a sneaky, slippery snake that, if not handled correctly, will bite you. Good thing you’re not alone. Each week LITD will take real texts, emails and phone messages, and, with the help of experts, will analyze what went right or wrong, so you can avoid getting bit by the poisonous text snake.

This week we’ve enlisted two of New York’s finest single’s writers, the lovely Simone from Sex Lies and Dating and the smooth Jackie from Jack from Brooklyn , to hash out the text below.

ConTEXT:
The two met briefly at a party. He got her number and asked her out; they had drinks the week after. This text exchange took place immediately after the date.

Him:It was lovely to meet up. have a good night.
good; showed fearlessness about immediate feedback.
Enthusiastic and smart. I like it when guys text right after a date.

Her:great seeing you too. Thanks for the drinks.
Friendly response, not overpoweringly positive; formal.
She’s on the same page. All is good.

Him:hee hee, well you were a lot cooler than i thought you would be
He should have left well enough alone; this could be perceived as insulting.
Flirty and getting a little cocky.

Him:ummm so will i get to see you again (i know it’s not PC to ask)
Why is he texting her again before she has a chance to respond? feels desperate.

Less cocky and now a bit pushy.

Her:Hah, what were you expecting??
Girl starting to get annoyed.

She’s pulling back. Either making him work harder or not appreciating his sense of humor.

Him:Arg, thats a hard one, Just be honest. i won’t hold it against you.
It’s now clear he has no idea what to say. he’s dug himself a hole he can’t get out of.
Wrong. Totally wimpy thing to say. ”I won’t hold it against you.” Yeah, because nothing is hotter than a self-defeating attitude.

Her:well you can def see me again as long as you tell me how low your expectations were and how highly i exceeded them:)
Girl is ready for this conversation to end.
She’s either bored with him and thinks he’s a loser or has a very odd sense of humor.

Him:Deal!!! ** this ended the correspondence. No follow up by either party.**

Three exclamation points=overly enthusiastic. she’s checked out and has no intention of being told how great she is relative to how low his expectations were. He should have stopped at text two and left well enough alone.

And he’s clueless.

What do you think?? Add your comments below, and send YOUR conTEXTuals for analysis to news@loveinthedumps.com

Chatroulette Love – The Belgium Waffle and the Stripclub Janitor

Manu — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 15:43:33 +0000

This week, while looking for luv on chatroulette (sidenote: i have been calling it chat rouley. To me, CR is a dating platform, and pronouncing it chat rouley is just more romantical), I noticed a bizarre number of Belgium fellows populating the ‘let (another pet name) . But only one caught my eye. His name is Tom, and this is our story.

Chatroulette Love: Trans-Oceaneonic Affair

Manu — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 15:42:57 +0000

One of the most fascinating parts of Chatroulette is the ability to meet someone from a completely different continent, culture, language etc – love, as I’ve learned, has no boundaries, and this time I found it in China. Though betwixt us is an ocean, multiple continents, a language barrier, and long-standing misogynistic culture, we have found connection in the chasm of difference. It is the second longest Chatroulette relationship I have ever had, lasting 4 minutes.

You: Which one?

Stranger: Chinese

Stranger: you?

You: from NYC

Stranger: I went one. big, much lights very loud, very people

You: Well, China has quite big cities too so NYC can’t be that busy in comparison

Stranger: I live out no big city. farm?

You: ohh you dont live in the city, you live on a farm, cool!

Stranger: traditional family, grand mother with tight feet

You: Your mother has tight feet?

Stranger: tradition china, feet tight so lady not walk well

You: Oh! your grand mother has bound feet! I thought that doesn’t exist anymore really…

Stranger: I look for free american girl no bound feet. smart

You: Well, I am a free american girl, with no bound feet and i would say i am a smart girl. what do you do?

Stranger: what do i work

You: yes

Stranger: I work in school. computer +english teacher

You: You are the computer and the english teacher?

Stranger: yes

You: Well, thats great…

You: I hope your computer skillz are better than your english skills

Stranger: 神经病

You: What does that mean?

Stranger: Glad you no chinese teacher

Your partner disconnected…

Love in the Dumps » ConTEXTuals

Texts you WISH you could send, part 1

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

The world’s saddest text

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

A chatrouletter gets her revenge

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

10 thoughts that go through your mind on a bad date

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

Great moments in oops wrong text

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

Post text analysis: to bar, or not to bar

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

Dumped on email: a death letter analysis

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

Post Text Analysis

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

Chatroulette Love – The Belgium Waffle and the Stripclub Janitor

But Wait! There’s More Like This:

Chatroulette Love: Trans-Oceaneonic Affair

But Wait! There’s More Like This: