5 profile pictures that will get you nowhere fast
Asylum has interesting commentary on OkCupid’s study on what makes a good online dating profile for guys; these include pictures showing off muscles, drinking with friends, and pictures with animals. But what about bad dating profile pictures? These landmines are hard to avoid, so we provide a handy list:
1. You hiking, ice climbing, or doing some other activity that involves sweat and B.O. Ok, it’s cool that you’re into nature, but sweaty pits are the last thing one wants as a first impression.
2. You with your parents. Unless your parents are insanely hot, it’s not a good idea to show someone what you’ll look like in twenty or so years.
3. You at work. Hey! It’s me, under florescent lights, in my depressing cubicle where my ass is getting fatter by the day!
4. You taking a cell phone picture of yourself. No matter how good you think you are, these shots are always weird. Your eyes are looking to the far right, and your smile is askew and awkward.
5. Professional…
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Dumpcast: Fergie and Josh Duhamel
Conditions: Began dating in 2004 after Fergie appeared on Josh’s show Las Vegas and married in January 2009.
Storm Warnings: Josh reported having multiple sex with stripper/mother Nicole Forrester; Fergie getting drunk and peeing herself during Peas concert (heh heh).
The Dump-Cast: Conditions are currently stable – they showed up holding hands at his premiere for When in Rome, and the twosome renewed their vows on their one year anniversary But how many other married couples do you know that felt the need to renew their views after ONE YEAR OF MARRIAGE and not invite anyone to the ceremony? That’s what I thought.
Storm clouds gather when Fergie goes on an extended tour with the Black Eyed Peas and Josh starts shooting Transformers 3. Sometimes, silence can be like thunder. Ka-boom! Separated by October.
Chances of rain: 70%
Dumpcast: Dr. “G” and Dr. “S”
Conditions: Both Jewish, both doctors, both Ivy Leaguers, these two combined to form a Jewish parent’s dream team, the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since Jordan and Magic went to the Olympics. It’s a match made in heaven, but sometimes there’s a crook in the Ivy road to multiple PHDs.
Storm Warnings: Lately, at the dinner table, conversation flat-lines when the Doctors run out of medical things to discuss. As verbal defibrillator, Dr. S tried playing “Scene It!” with her during dessert, but she lost interest after the first three.
Dump Cast: Continuing the Dream Team analogy, the perfect pair will be an unstoppable force in the beginning and win the gold easily. Soon after they will coast on their talent – the chemistry will slip, and they’ll be left thinking, “How can this happen? We’re so good on paper!” At this point they’ll go back to their Rabbi – the equivalent of Coach K – who will get them back on track to their winning ways. They’ll repeat this patten for life.…
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Impersonal of the Day: James Cameron
Editor’s note: Two hours after his snubbing from the Academy, we received an Impersonal from none other than James Cameron. Maybe it was seeing his ex-wife win that made him lay it out all in this touching Impersonal.
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| Why you damn well better not date me | Because I like to invent my own languages. I like to pretend that the new worlds I conceive are more important than the one at hand. |
| What kind of doomed relationship I'm looking for | The kind where I tell you funny stories about Arnie Schwarzenegger on set after you make me breakfast in bed at 5:45am. You must be willing to be quiet while I bounce "ideas" off of you (I don't really care what you think.) I'll pitch the "ideas" and you, my receptacle, let them stick. |
| I am much more | brilliant, in a corny, nobody cares type of way in person |
| Love is | being able to say "i'll be back," while only maybe meaning it. |
| Anti-relationship weapon of choice | |
| How I blew my last relationship | I got tired of her not being a movie star anymore. |
| My relationship nadir (lowest point) | Let;s just say it happened while I was filiming 'The Abyss.' |
| Longest Relationship | 90 years |
| Shortest Relationship | A few minutes |
| Lamest excuse I used to get out of a relationship | "If you can't deal with my beard having a girlfriend too, then you gotta leave. Like, right now.' |
| Best excuse I used to get out of a relationship | "My heart will go on. Like, right now.' |
| Anti-depressants currently using or have used | Nights out with Arnie. |
| Arrest record | Clean as a whistle. But the inside of whistles aren't that clean. |
| Self destructive habits (Physical) | I invented my own Kool Aid flovor, and I drink four liters every day. My kidneys hurt. |
| Self destructive habits (Mental) | I've been using that Avatar machine since 1994 to live the life of Dakota Fanning. |
Sausage Links: comprised of questionable web stuffs
I can’t decide if Jersey Shore gave the state positive PR. I guess you could call it “Ironic PR.” Anyway, the runts of the show are only following tradition: New Jerseys Finest Circa 1991.
Tiger Woods’ exploration of strange (this makes total sense) undoubtedly led to wives-of-athletes being a little more weary of their husbands. Honestly though, sometimes the stories you read and hear just make you think the athletes are gay for each other.
American cigarette companies put up quite a fight before the warning, “Caution: Cigarette Smoking May be Hazardous to Your Health,” in 1966. Can we compare Apple to them now?
I’m usually a fan of the Oscars, seeing most of the movies (and so I can be pedantic, read reviews.) Yet this year I was particularly disengaged. Spoof me!
Fun Fact: Sandra Bullock is the first ever to receive the Razzie for Worst Actress and Oscar for Best Actress in the same year.
From the editor’s throne
Let’s begin with a quote from Raymond Carver:
“We are, all of us, abominably human. We are broken and we are flawed and even we ourselves barely recognize the degree to which this is true. And Love is this concept that, in its platonic ideal form, makes over other people and conceals those flaws and convinces us for brief moments that, Hey, perhaps this Other is not so flawed, is not broken, is not abominably just-like-me. And then we realize they are; and then they realize we are. But sometimes it’s just nice to be broken and flawed with someone. And it’s nice to have someone to get fucked up on bourbon and fall asleep half-naked on the couch with. And sometimes it’s nice to just pretend we’re not so flawed and broken and abominable. And it’s this concept of Love that is the problem, after all. We are broken and flawed and we created a broken and flawed concept because we have brains able to dream of things beyond ourselves and to imagine the…
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A desperato gets blocked
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Sausage Links – made from questionable web scraps
I don’t know much about finance, but this was extremely helpful. I like the use of an international correspondent….
Spending $8 on beer is humiliating enough (my advice, nip bottles in you socks, or this is a great gift,) but this? *Deep sigh* Here is what I don’t understand: The fear of getting your marriage proposal is scary enough, why subject yourself to thousands of eyes and risk internet infamy? If you are sadistic like me though, you youtube “sports marriage proposal rejection,” and get results like these. Where is a more embarrassing place for such denial I wonder?
Anytime you read something like, “a Google spokesperson said: ‘Google has apologized – we’re very sorry for the concern we caused,’” you have to wonder how many people were affected. The new Google Buzz has presented a myriad of privacy problems, but more surprising is the lack of foresight. Could not one of the 20,000 beta users identify a potential problem for journalists or men and women with…
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Post-Valentine’s love barf
Ah love. So deliciously sweet going down, yet so utterly nasty when you can’t digest it.
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Valentine’s outfits that make you see red
This sweetie tried for the devil’s food look, but came off more like Strawberry Shortcake.
What have you scene in NYC? Send pictures to scene (at) LoveintheDumps.com
